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As an recent college graduate, I can speak on the ready availability of college girls hovering around your own age. As an incoming freshman, it was the ultimate thrill to tell a girl at the bar that I was a junior, in hopes to make it happen with an “older chick.” However, upon climbing through the ranks of the collegiate enterprise, I had become the “older guy,” and found myself less interested in younger girls.
For Christ’s sake, stop drunkenly screaming Katy Perry lyrics and study for once. It’s fun to be an underclassman. You feel little responsibility, few inhibitions, and all the time in the world ahead of you. However, the last part is where you’re wrong. College flies by, and your train of thought changes. Now, I can no longer prowl the bar looking at college freshmen. It’s time to step up to the big leagues: bagging an older broad. Considerably older. If your moral compass is strong, congratulations on your badass accomplishment. Also, stop reading now.
A quick background on my experience with a woman well above my age: at a wedding for a family friend, I noticed an older woman, 42, flirting with my dad near the bar. My dad has been married to my mom for 20 something years, but being the absolute mack that he is, still allowed her to think she stood a chance. As the conversation advanced, my old man gave me the look and called me over to introduce me. BOOM. Before the nearly half-century old blonde knew what hit her, my father’s 22-year-old clone of a son was using the same lines as he had. An hour and a half later, I was in the stairwell of the Dallas Hyatt probing a WOMAN twice my age. What’s important: the actions that took place in that 90 minute window between introduction and penetration. See below.
Here are the exact steps/actions that I took to enter a woman 20 years away from receiving social security:
1) Be Well Dressed
Look, older women have been around suitors for more years than you have been alive, more than likely. It’s going to be tough to bag a MILF wearing Nike gym shorts and shirt that says “Rainforest Cafe.” Even if you only own one pair of decent clothes, put them on if you suspect you may have an opportunity with the housewife next door. In my experience, I was in a tuxedo, perhaps the snazziest of duds out there.
2. Don’t Lie, But Don’t Tell The Truth
There’s a fine line between older women who truly want someone near their age to take care of them in the long run, and women who strictly want a young buck whose dick gets hard in three seconds flat. It may not be totally obvious which type you’re talking to. If you don’t have to mention your age, DON’T. If she’s flirting, then she doesn’t care, and you’ll more than likely shoot yourself in the foot by telling your age. If she does ask, beef it up at least two to three years. It can only help, especially if you’re 18-20. At the wedding, I said that I was 25 instead of 22, only because she was a woman of sophistication and class, and being half way between 20 and 30 granted me more merit than being 22. Like Taylor Swift said, “I don’t know ’bout you, but I’m feeling 22 and definitely ready to lie about my age if it means spanking MILF ass in a stairwell.”
Be drunk. Get her drunk. Not rapey drunk, but good and drunk. I was drinking old fashioneds, because they’re delicious and classy as fuck. It’s hard to do any wrong with a Maker’s old fashioned in hand. She was drinking vodka martinis, so I had to match on the liquor percentage. If she was drinking beer, I would’ve done the same. You can EASILY blow an opportunity by being too fucked up. Gauge yourself, have a nice buzz, but don’t black out. You know the drill.
4. Make The Move, Confidently
It’s time. Plans are falling perfectly in order, and you know that your window of consciousness is closing with every sip that goes by. Women who are considerably older than you don’t want some timid pussy. I’m not telling you to scream “FUCKING TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF!” I’m telling you to grow a pair and let her know that you’re interested, and ready. You can’t leave a gray area because this isn’t a damn ’90s rom-com. I invited my lady into a different room of the hotel, away from the group we were with. She accepted, letting me know that she was sharing interest. We sat on a couch in the billiards room, and she threw a leg over one of mine. This was the first physical advance made by either party. SHE MADE THE FIRST MOVE. Fucking chalk this one up. “But where?” I ask myself. After a little making out, I noticed the emergency exit leading into the stairwell adjacent to our couch, so I suggested that we move there. Naturally, she denied this attempt at first, but with a bit of perseverance, I found myself de-robing a large breasted woman in her 40s.
Seducing an older broad isn’t easy. To bag someone older, you must think like you’re older. Act like the man that you want to be when you’re their age. This successful attempt that I have mentioned was my first, and still my only successful attempt. Let’s say I’m 1/5 overall. But, as they say, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take..
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