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Theme parties are a staple of Greek Life, but the age of “Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes,” “CEOs and Corporate Hoes,” “G.I. Joes and Army Hoes,” and “[Insert given profession here] and Hoes” is over. More beaten to a pulp than Chris Brown’s homemade orange juice, these themes and many similar ones are nothing more than lame-ass go-tos for the disinterested and uncreative social chair.
“There will be hot, half-naked bitches to look at,” he says. “Who doesn’t like that?” A real fraternity man, however, doesn’t just stand around at parties and ogle scantily clad women; he has a system:
1. Invites a girl to take shots in his room
“Profit” of course standing for “Pees Right On her Farthole. It’s a TFM.”
Unless you’re a pussy, you don’t need to start off with half-naked girls in order to end up with fully naked girls. For this reason, I submit to you 4 TFTC party themes that go along with this idea.
1. Mobsters and Lobsters
The original Surf and Turf. There’s nothing fishy about this theme! Think of it like a soirée at the bar of a Red Lobster in the 1920’s. Extra points if you actually rent out a Red Lobster for your party. You may be dressed from the Prohibition Era, but trust me, the alcohol will be flowing, along with the girls’ seminal receptacles. That’s some dirty lobster sex organ talk for you to use. You’re welcome. Get ready for a night of steamy passion, boiling hot romance, and frisky-and-bisque-y bitches that will be unable to keep their claws off of you. With a lobster as your target, I can’t think of an easier way to lure a girl back to your room than with the old “Wanna check out my aquarium?” line.
2. Sloths and Goths
If you don’t mind a little bit of black lipstick on your John Stossel, this theme is prime. Sloths have recently made their way to the forefront of cult animals. The bitches love ‘em. Chop off two of your toes and slow your walk down to a saunter and you’ll be claw deep in some angsty teenage clunge. The girls will be cutting in line to get into this premier party, and I mean that in both senses. I hope you like the Victorian Era, because there will be more corsets than you can untie. Get ready to take advantage of the ill effects of bad parenting at this fun and tasteful gathering.
3. Amputees and Manatees
You’ll really have a leg up on other fraternities if you have an amputees-and-manatees-themed event. Make sure you don’t drink too much, though; otherwise you’ll get cut off! Groutfits will abound as the sexy sea cows get down and dirty on the dance floor. If you really want to go along with the true nature of the theme, make sure to invite some fat girls. If you have trouble doing this, just say there will be free food.
4. Cucumbers and Plumbers
Take it from me, folks: this theme is a winner. Why trust The DeVry Guy, you ask? I think you’re forgetting whom you’re talking to. I am THE Slambanger McPickleinsertion. And when do you think I got that nickname? You guessed it: my fraternity’s All Saints’ Day Cucumbers and Plumbers date party. My crackhead uncle set me up with this broad that he met at the Squirrel Waterskiing World Championships the previous weekend. We did a little texty-texty flirty-flirty during the week, and next thing you know we’re fooling around in my room and, well…let’s just say I filled her plumber’s crack.
With a pickle.
I shoved a pickle up her ass, guys.
It was a TFM.
I’ve done my job and delivered the goods. Now it’s up to you guys. Have one of these parties.