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When you’re a freshman, you end up thinking every night you go home with somebody is a good night. But after several years of good, hard drinking and a couple trips to the bottom of the barrel, you get to learn that not all 2 a.m. hookups are something to be proud of. Some nights, there’s nothing but shame and regret waiting on the other side of those yoga pants. Okay, most nights.
These are the four terrible one night stands that everyone will have at some point in college (check them off and raise a glass if you’ve done one already):
1. The One Where She Thinks She’s Good
You hit it off with some girl at the party. She’s pretty average in the looks department, but you’ve got a feeling she’s got a wild streak. She’s whispering in your ear that she is “going to change your life.” You invite her upstairs to the Penthouse (that’s your bed on the porch) to bang. You get each other’s clothes off, it’s starting to get sweaty, and then — she moans. Like really weirdly, and at the wrong time. She touches your knee for some reason. Everything is uncomfortable and nothing is sexy, but she gets on top of you and starts making high-pitched screeching noises. “I like to be loud and wild!” she yells. “Oh yeah!” Between that and her grunting, you barely finish. Afterwards, she’ll want to talk about how many kids you’re going to have, and what the wedding will be like, because, obviously, she blew your mind and you guys are going to be together forever.
2. The One In The Dorm
You’ve been in school for three years. You don’t know what you’re doing with this freshman Econ major in her dorm hallway, but you’re very aware of all the Geeds staring at you from their open doors. They look up from playing video games, their piercing, lonely eyes watching you follow the girl they masturbate to back to her room at the end of the hall. The sex (in her bunk bed) is cramped and whispered, because the walls are paper thin and the R.A.’s room is next door. At least you can use her meal plan to get free breakfast in the morning.
3. The One Where She Won’t Stop Talking
Oh God. Shut up. You’re mid-thrust and she’s talking about her puppy back home. Now she’s showing you pictures. You’ve barely said a word all night. She invited you back to her house, and, halfway between ruining Game of Thrones and complaining about her teacher, she suggests you put it in her. Doesn’t slow down the conversation at all. Also, she snores. You slip out the window when she finally runs out of oxygen and passes out. Smart move.
4. The One Where She Has A Boyfriend
He’s actually pretty chill. You guys had Bio together sophomore year. He knows you banged his girlfriend; they’re trying to work some stuff out right now. He asks you if she did the thing with her thighs. You say yes and he smiles. “You want a beer?” You lean back in your folding chair at the dimly lit kitchen table and marvel about how open our society has become.
You also thank God and the Student Health Center for all the free condoms.