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The Definitive 4-Step Guide To Never Embarrassing Yourself While Drunk

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drunk guy alcohol plan

I need to set up a drunk contingency plan moving forward because I embarrassed myself this past weekend.

Long story short, because it’s not about me — even I’m over my shit right now — I got absolutely shitty, refused to leave the bar when my friends left, and went stage five clinger on an ex-girlfriend. The exact details aren’t important, and I’d prefer not to relive them; just know that I didn’t prep like I should have. If I would have got a little preemptive and set things in place, I would have been able to thwart Ol’ Booze Brain and may or may not still be allowed inside a certain Baton Rouge bar. But, alas, I’m not. That’s my fault. I got drunk, and weird, and didn’t prepare for it. That’s on me.

As the school year starts up for many college students, aggressive inebriation is probably going to happen for a lot of you. To avoid the shame and embarrassment that I’m wallowing in, just do a couple things on the front end to prepare for drunk you’s actions.

1. Think Of Your Phone As Your Car Keys

Put simply, when you get to a certain level of fucked up you need to hand over your phone. Just like when a lot of people hand over their car keys to their buddies after the buzz sets in, do the exact same with your phone. Obviously you don’t have to adhere to the strict vehicular .08 level in this iteration, but, when dealing with your phone, .08 is about when you should start becoming aware of where your drinking is going. Keep an eye on where you’re at and where you think you might end up. My personal rule is that when I start super-setting mixed drinks with beer or shots and can’t have a conversation without placing my hand on someone’s shoulder, I give up the phone.

Establish your parameters on the front end and give up the mobile device to a good friend who knows why you’re doing it. Most of the time you will resist in the moment, getting aggressive and telling your boy to eat shit. This will only serve to confirm your need to relinquish said phone, and, because you are that drunk, you will most likely give in after a minute or two. This will enable a night of partying where sending poems and links to Ed Sheeran songs to an ex lady isn’t a possibility — you’ve removed the temptation.

2. No-Fly Zone

Create a list — hopefully a short one — wherein you acknowledge the ladies from your past on whom you have a tendency to go drunken Casanova; the girls that possess the ability to make you act differently drunk than you would sober (make you feel some-type-of-way). Basically, will you drunk message this/these chick(s) and/or abandon your boys to stay around her? If you’ve sent her multiple “you up?” or “awake?” texts, put her in the no-fly zone. I couldn’t make this list because of pride. I wouldn’t admit that a certain chick could make me act that way. Conversely, my friends let me stay at the bar — by myself — because she was working and they didn’t assume I would go weirdo on her. I did. I didn’t make the list, so my boys didn’t know to help me around her. Now I’m embarrassed and maybe on some watch list. Don’t make the same mistake.

3. Self-Talk

“You’re one pathetic loser.”

“You impotent cuck.”


Tell yourself stuff like that before you start drinking. Usually the last things you think about before you start getting saucy stay with you in some capacity even when bodily control and self-respect leave you. So make sure to look in the mirror, tell yourself tonight is about fun, new, and random tail, and berate yourself for still being hung up on an underclassman. If you really let yourself have it — really relish in how pathetic you are — your subconscious won’t let you act a fool later than night fifteen beers in.

4. The Slap

Tell a best friend to slap you if you start doing stupid shit with a no-fly zone member. Only best friends can do shit like this, so establish who that is up front.

Basically your boys are the most important people when it comes to avoiding embarrassment. Put your pride in the back pocket, tell ’em you don’t trust yourself with alcohol around certain chicks, and let them help you. They will roast you — as they obviously should — but, in the end, they will save you.

Image via Shutterstock

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I like beer, athletic competition, telling my friends "she is crazy" but really blowing her up, and writing.

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