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After writing the last one, I realized two things: first, no matter what differences we have or what letters we wear, all of us are united by our shared, shameful hook-up stories, and that’s kind of beautiful. Second, my earlier list didn’t even scratch the surface of all the terrible trips to the seedy side of Pound Town out there. Here are four more.
1. The One in Her Parents’ House:
It’s 50 cent jello shot night at the El Dorado and you’re missing a couple of twenties. This bar is dirtier than a glory hole in a Mexican gas station, but you come here because it’s got a 2nd-floor balcony where you can yell at people. Your brothers are out there now, shouting at the homeless camp at the 7-11 across the street. You wander back inside to throw up in the potted plant they call “Old Pukey” when a fetching young thing catches your eye. Next thing you know, she invites you back to her place. “Where do you live…Delta Gamma?” you slur. She giggles and shakes her head no. She leads you to a dark house, and you climb up to the garage roof and in through an open window. After 15 minutes of awkward sexing, the lights flash on. “GODDAMMIT CHELSEA YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION IS IN A WEEK!!!” an awful voice screams. “I’M 18 MOM I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!” You tear out of there as fast as you can run. Screw you, Eldorado bouncer, you lazy asshole. You had one job.
2. The One Abroad
You don’t even speak each other’s language. You think you learned enough German to know what “fricken meine schnitselhuben” means, but it’s also possible I just made that up. Still, now you can totally tell everyone back home that you banged a foreign girl, so you go for it. It’s only when you’re handcuffed to her bed and she gets out the leather whip and jackboots that you realize maybe you should have at least brought your pocket dictionary along. Oh well.
3. The One You Don’t Talk About
It happened, okay? Everyone has one. Look, I blame Tinder, a dry spell, and more importantly, I blame Photoshop, girls that make their profile pic just their face, and girls that have the same four friends in every picture so you honestly can’t tell which one she is. On some level, you know it’s always the one you expect, but just once, you wish with every fiber of your being that it’s the hot blonde in the corner. Which leads you to a sorority house dance on the arm of the living sum of all of your regrets and bad decisions. Even worse, her sisters take a million snaps of you together, lowering your stock campus-wide like a Jordan Belfort pump-and-dump, which is what you definitely, definitely should do here.
4. The One with the Cops Outside
Shit. Oh shit. Stop rustling! Oh man, I can’t get arrested. I’m never going to get into med school. Whose idea was it to do this in the bushes outside the house? It seemed pretty hot until Simms climbed up on the roof and started throwing furniture at cars, summoning the entire damn police force. Just be very quiet. Okay? Keep it down. I think I might still be able to finish.
I wonder who donates all those free condoms at the Health Center anyway?.
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