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It’s the end of the year. You and your three closest friends are hanging out on the back porch, passing around a bottle of Jameson and some Dominicans the summer pledges got you from Circle K to celebrate another good year. Suddenly, Daniels turns his head with a far-off look in his eye and says, “You know what? We should get out there and fry some bigger fish.”
You nod your head knowingly. It’s time to take this party on the road.
What Daniels proposes is nothing short of hitting the four greatest international party spots in the world. To make your legendary summer trip possible, you’re going to need to do a couple of things:
A. Go find Amoosh, who is the geediest pledge your house has bid in 75 years. He’s here because he turned up during formal rush for some reason and the Dean made you take him for diversity reasons or they were going to give the Fire Marshall a permanent apartment in your basement.
B. Since you’re stuck with him, might as well put Amoosh to work. The kid is on the President’s Scholarship, with full tuition and room/board. That means he has no student debt. Immediately take out $75,000 of high-interest private loans. Don’t worry; Amoosh is good for it.
Now that you’re equipped, grab your gear and pledge/line of credit and head to The Dam. The legal weed may not be as cool as it once was, but Amsterdam is still the only place on earth where you can find hallucinogenic chia pets, “magic mushrooms,” a two-story dildo superstore, and a giant baby that will let you kick him in the balls for a euro on the same street.
Take Amoosh to the world famous Red Light District and take two left turns at the pink elephant to find the fattest prostitute in the world. Give her 50 euros to make Amoosh a man.
You’re going to want to make sure you have plenty of drugs for this sexy nightclub island in the Spanish Mediterranean, so take advantage of Amoosh’s now-widened body cavities and smuggle a bunch of molly in his butt.
Once you get there, shell out for the Grand Palazzo in the Alt Via and get a personal chopper to Pacha. If you’re lucky and get there early, you might have the chance to hit DeadMau5 in the face with a crowbar. You’ll have no trouble evading security if you head to the harbor, but Amoosh will likely spend the night in jail, which is okay because the room didn’t have enough beds for him anyway.
This city in the UAE is one of the most diverse in the world, and it would be a good place for Amoosh to make new friends, so send him to the slums to find some suitable prostitutes. Not for you, for the sheikh who invited you to party on his yacht. Once the sheikh is satisfied, you will take your pick of the loose American and British expat girls who are here studying journalism.
At this point, your funds are getting low, so take out an international credit card in Amoosh’s name and buy him the perfect Psi costume to wear the entire time you are in Gang Nam. Rent a high-end BMW and some of those stupid yellow suits from the video and hit the town. Make sure you are set up in the penthouse villa at The Four Seasons, because your brotherhood deserves the best, and nothing else will satisfy.
At this point, you might remember the beamer only had four seats and you’ve forgotten Amoosh, but he’s likely wandered to the DMZ and gotten shot or been kidnapped and taken to Thailand to become a ladyboy.
Order a twofer Dom Perignon and Remy Martin Louis XIII to toast to his memory.
Amoosh would have wanted it that way..