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4 Guys You’ll See On Your Spring Break Cruise

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spring break cruise

“Phone Numbers Written All Over Him” Guy

Alcohol and shirtlessness should never, ever be mixed with a Sharpie; only bad things will happen. For example, maybe you’ll use the Sharpie to color your entire body black in an act of racial insensitivity. Maybe you’ll use the Sharpie to color over your areolae and make it look like you have huge nipples. I am struggling to think of one positive thing that can happen when those three things are mixed, and if this guy is so dense that he can’t realize that, you should try to avoid him.

What’s the point of even writing your number on a guy, ladies? Odds are this dude doesn’t even get cell service in the Caribbean, and odds also are this guy is merely cruise hot, and you won’t want to maintain contact with him once the captain shouts, “Land ho!” Please refrain.

“Beer Bong” Guy

Nobody has ever wanted you to know they are somewhere to party more than spring break cruise ship beer bong guy. In order to get his bong from the designated wall hook he probably has for it back in his apartment to the ship, he had to take it through two very strict security checkpoints. That’s dedication. Odds are when asked what it was by TSA officers, he responded, “My chalice.”


It should be noted that you will probably only see “beer bong” guy on your cruise if there is an all-you-can-drink alcohol plan. Most people aren’t obsessed with bonging enough to pay for a single beer and then funnel the shit out of it. Then again, most people aren’t stupid enough to hand their fake ID to a cop, but there are always some dimmer lightbulbs in the bunch.

“Where’d He Go?” Guy

You kept running into this dude on day one of the cruise, and developed a friendly rapport with him. You decided he’d be your cruise ship boy. Then, he vanished. At first, you blame yourself. You begin to wonder what you did wrong. Did you forget to put a lime in that Corona you bought him? Was he sitting at that blackjack table with you when you were hammered and split 10s three times Did you refer to him by the wrong gender pronoun?


Then, you begin to worry. Did he get left at port? Did he get eaten by a shark? Did you… make him up? Right before you begin to consider telling the ship’s crew about his possible disappearance, he’ll turn up in the night club setting the dance floor on fire with the friends he made after he ditched your sorry ass. Drown your sorrows at the all-you-can-eat sushi bar.

“Didn’t Even Make It Onto The Ship” Guy

This guy’s on the cruise ship manifest, he was assigned a stateroom, and he has a seat reserved for him in the formal dining room all ready for him to order one of everything. The only problem? Dude never made it onto the ship. Whether he was late to the port, didn’t have his passport because he didn’t know that the Bahamas was not part of the U.S., or this happened to him, he is not on the ship.

Who cares, though? More daiquiris for you.

We’ve got you covered regarding all things Spring Break 2017. Check out the 2017 TFM Spring Break destination locations here, and go to for more info.

Image via Inception At Sea

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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