If you drink as much as you should in college, you’ll need some extra cash to fuel your growing addiction. Most college jobs suck dongs. There’s no control over your schedule, and you’ve gotta show up on time, fake a happy attitude, and take it up the ass for some dick weasel who’s getting rich by paying you shit. You can’t even wet your whistle while you work. Disgraceful.
The gig economy is on the rise, and there are all sorts of dumb ways you can make quick cash these days. None of this shit will make you rich, but it might provide a steady stream of booze for the frugal alcoholic.
1. Amazon Turk
Amazon Turk, or mturk, is a clever little scam designed to turn people into robots that feed off of pennies. Anyone can sign up and perform human intelligence tasks (HiTs) for small monetary incentives. “Human intelligence task” is a clever way of saying “shit so boring, your eyes will bleed.”
The highest paid HiTs involve transcribing or translating shit, but most of you won’t qualify for anything that earns more than a couple bucks. Most of the time, you’ll be doing surveys, giving dumb opinions, editing garbage, or entering your email on websites for like five cents.
Pros: You can actually make real money, really easily.
Cons: Sweatshop labor in prisons pays about the same.
Conclusion: mturk is a busted ass brown bag of a bitch. She isn’t sexy, and she isn’t really worth your time unless you have no other options. If you can’t get your nut anywhere else, mturk is the right kind of suck for you.
2. Google Adsense
You can create a website or video that allows Google to use it’s PRISM spyware to serve up tasty ads to anyone dumb enough to click on your link. Satan got his degree in advertising. That’s all I’m saying.
Pros: Easy passive income that trickles in forever.
Cons: Whatever you make will suck and the internet will give no fucks.
Conclusion: Good luck.
Hahaha just kidding! Blogging is for the poors. The only people who make money blogging are the elite turds at the top, who are more like cult leaders than bloggers. They built a following based on ignorance, fed them a steady diet of garbage, and now they sheer those fat sheep forever.
Being king takes a lot of work. You’re better off writing for generic content mills that pay a few cents per word to churn out horrendously boring topics.
Or, you could always write for TFM. Seriously. TFM will get you drunk. Plus, being a “columnist” instead of a “blogger” definitely increases your odds of seeing titties and not dying alone, covered in cats. If you’re a great writer, apply here. Beware: if your first sentence isn’t incredible, they’ll delete that shit in a heartbeat, so don’t waste your time if you write as eloquently as a fat guy tiptoes.
Pros: You could become famous.
Cons: You probably won’t become famous.
Conclusion: Risky, but potentially lucrative.
4. Sell your body
The sex trade won’t put a premium on the average dude unless he’s willing to get fucked by like eleven other dudes on camera at the same time. If you’re not into gay gang bangs, you can always sell plasma. It’s not nearly as lucrative as selling a kidney, but you can bring in some serious beer money by getting hooked up to a machine that sucks out your bodily fluids for 4 hours at a time.
Pros: Make money, help others in need, and get drunk really easily after getting vampirized.
Cons: You feel a lot like a homeless person.
Conclusion: You might as well be a homeless person.
There are thousands of ways to earn a little extra cash. How do you whore yourself out for money on the side? Let us know in the comments section..