4 Benefits Of Staying Single In College

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I’ve been seeing more and more of this recently. For some reason completely unknown to me, there are guys on campus who voluntarily decide to forfeit their interest in the temporary, glorious debauchery-fest that is the college experience.

In exchange for what?

A fresh ball and chain that shows them the first shred of affection they’ve received on campus and knows how to lick their nuts the right way.

As a member of a fraternity at a large state school, the idea of having a girlfriend in college just doesn’t compute in my brain. The combination of factors that go along with being a male on campus just doesn’t align with the concept of monogamy. Back in my less educated days, I thought these people were ahead of the curve. I was happy for them for finding love on campus, and that they would improve each other’s lives for the better. I was almost jealous.

But after witnessing the catastrophic demise of almost every relationship a friend, fraternity brother, and even myself went through over my last three plus years on campus, I can’t help but feel the need to campaign against the idea.

Guys in college relationships are shortchanging themselves. Having thousands of hot, young girls walking around every night on the hunt for pipe, and instead having to deny it to go home and bang the same girl every night can get depressing. Imagine sitting on your balcony in August, watching the new crop of hot, highly curious girls pour in like they’re getting off the buses at Shawshank. Personally, this sight and the feeling that goes along with it is unmatched by any other in the world. Now imagine watching this go down while having your girlfriend tug at your arm and bitch about how she’s hungry and wants Chipotle. I consider that a torture that should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Been there, done that, sucks the dick.

It is in a man’s best interest to remain single on campus, and here’s why.


During the first time in your life where you are generally speaking “free” and you’re pretty far out of the visual clutches of Mom and Dad, why would you want to immediately turn around and enlist a new eye in the sky? Unless you have some kind of Orwellian 1984 Big Brother fetish, I don’t really see the need.

Staying single allows you to do pretty much anything you want without giving a second fuck after your first one has quickly expired. You don’t have to go through slowly developing the schizoid-like symptoms of nervously looking around whenever a girl is speaking to you.

Besides, why would you want to take the rush of approaching and meeting new girls all the time completely out of the equation? I’m not trying to watch all my friends tear through a bigger assortment of oyster than a New Orleans fisherman while I’m sitting around eating the same one every night that’s getting progressively more and more difficult to crack.

Friend: “Hey, I just met these two Swedish exchange girls by the bar, let’s go chat them up.”

Wifed Up Pussy: “Nah man, you know the deal. Suzie forbids me from talking to anyone she doesn’t approve of.”

Friend: “I don’t see her or her friends around here anywhere. At least come over and wing me, dude.”

Wifed Up Pussy: “SHHH! Don’t you realize? She has eyes everywhere.” *looks around, notices girl smiling at him* “I AM FAITHFUL TO MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND!”

Friend: “Ménage à trois is Swedish, right?”

Set your dick free. Let it feed on the massive poon buffet set before you. Allow it to guide you like the dowsing rod nature intended it to be.

Freshmen Girls

I went into greater detail in a previous article about why freshmen are undoubtedly the best on campus. This already should be a major factor in your decision to keep the ball and chain at bay until after the cap and gown have been burned.

This is the only time in your life that you will be able to talk to, party with, and have weird sex with girls who have just crossed the threshold into adulthood without campus police escorting you off campus or Chris Hansen making a surprise guest appearance.

This is a breed of girls who have the holy combination of not having yet been tainted by the wide variety of self-esteem inflating resources that sororities provide, and the influence of “finally being in college and every dick I sit on first semester doesn’t count” mentality. They’re generally hotter than their junior and senior counterparts, and the best part is, there’s a new and improved version that arrives every August. They’re like the iPhone of girls.

Why on God’s green earth anyone would not take advantage of this situation is beyond my realm of understanding.

It’s College

College, as in the most freedom you will ever have paired with the least amount of responsibility you will ever have.

It’s a time during which you don’t really need to worry much about your day-to-day living status, either, because your gradually more suspicious parents are footing the bill or because you are simply delaying your problems with student loans.

This is the only time in your life where it’s socially acceptable to drink in a manner that would bring Bill W. to tears, you won’t be judged for smoking on the toilet in the middle of the day, and where you will have girls basically being delivered to your front step two or three nights a week.

It’s a once in a lifetime experience that you never get to do again. You’ve got decades of postgrad life ahead of you, during which you’ll have plenty of other shit to worry about. Do yourself a favor and relish this time of degeneracy while you’ve got it.

Guaranteed Ass Is Boring

Hitting the bars when you already know you’re gonna get laid that night takes pretty much all the excitement out of going out in the first place. Going out becomes little more than an unnecessary middle step in the night between meeting up with your girlfriend and stuffing your now alcohol-impaired little dingus inside her.

The competitive rush of playing the game, approaching new girls, and actually having to work for dick wetness that night is nonexistent, making weekends significantly more boring than they are for the single man. If you’ve already got a fresh ten-pointer strapped to the roof of your car, there’s really not much more incentive for you to sit in the deer blind with your buddies.

Yes, as a single dude, you will have nights where you strike out. Every now and then, you’ll go home to make love to a Pamela Handerson and a late-night slice of pizza. If that’s what qualifies as a “loss” in the game, then I’m not really tripping.

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Hans Dix

Hans Dix @RealHansDix is an American college student and author. As a seasoned member of the good time club, he is eternally on the run from the fun police. He can be reached at

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