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4 Awful Movies A Woman Will Make You Watch Someday

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While I admit we all like to portray ourselves as 21st century conquistadores (but American, of course) pillaging consenting vaginas from town to town in a commitment-less rage of sexual conquests, at some point you’ll find yourself in a relationship — even those of us clinging to youth like Peter Pan.

Brace yourselves for these shitty movies you’ll inevitably be forced to watch:

4. Twilight

I include the entire catalog in one scathing review because, frankly, I’ve seen them all but couldn’t tell you which one is which. Basically, this is some sort of bizarre female stalker fetish porn that I promise you won’t enjoy nor comprehend her enthusiasm for. The main character, that pale guy who fucked the sort of hot but perpetually melancholy Kristen Stewart, sort of just parades around in the night, watching this high school girl sleep and appearing in her bed unannounced. I’m serious. Somehow nobody finds this weird, and knowing this goth stalker exposes his teenage crush to werewolves, vampires and assorted other monsters we hope aren’t the reason we hear things in the night. Fuck that.

3. The Fault In Our Stars

This movie might actually have been written and directed by cancer. Basically, everyone in the film is stricken with some sort of horrific disease, ranging from imminent death to surgically-created blindness and nothing at all pleasant in between. There’s something fundamentally peculiar about paying to watch teenagers robbed of their young lives by the world’s most terrifying diseases. The film does not skimp on the astonishingly cliche tears, either. From a series of still conscious “eulogies” so that “we can be at our own funeral” to MRI results “that light up like a Christmas tree,” prepare to feel absolutely awful for weeks after this one. Save the time, and use the money for something worthwhile: donate to cancer research and make movies like this relics of the past.

2. The Notebook

The first of the seemingly endless Nicholas Sparks horrors, this movie is so bad even Ryan Gosling can’t stomach watching it. Gosling, playing a mid-century Romeo in one of the cheapest and most poorly imitated Shakespeare knockoffs in cinematic history, is a poor man competing with a rich one for Rachael McAdams. In a not-so-shocking twist, her parents prefer the rich, accomplished military man to the troubled and bearded maintenance worker. Unbelievable! A bunch of bullshit happens, he pulls out all the cliche stops as well, from rainy day boat trips to late-night pebble tosses at her window. I’d rather watch my mom get fucked than watch this again. Or maybe that’s why they call me Oedipus.

1. Divergent

Insurgent, Divergent, Detergent, Subservient, or whatever the fuck the repeatedly grotesque entries in this mercifully-cancelled series are called. I remember watching the first one and thinking holy fuck, this is a massive trolling by the studio, right? I mean Shaline Woodley, the main character who also stars in #3 on this list (so beware any film with her in the credits), looks so uncomfortable “fighting” that I thought the blooper reel was rolling during the second act. This is basically a 1984/The Giver knock off without the literary talent of George Orwell or the futuristic wonder of The Giver. It’s like watching a high school drama department put on a stage version of The Hunger Games, which was already terrible, but without the immense budget and somewhat tolerable acting. Aside from Kate Winslet in a shameless money grab, the cast is so bad I actually think I would’ve done a better job with this script. If you absolutely hate someone, or for instance your frat nemesis, give his girlfriend a box set of this series. Trust me.

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Siblings of Mark Wahlberg

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