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This next article….. is for the ladies (he said in his best Barry White voice). I know you’re thinking, hey, this is a FRAT site, why the heck are you writing an article directed at girls?! And my response to that is….
Anyway, look, ladies, I know that sometimes guys aren’t always reliable, quick, or polite when it comes to text message conversations. Sometimes when you’re texting your boyfriend/ husband/ victim, he’ll take FOREVER to reply to a text, OR, even worse, he won’t text back AT ALL.
When this happens, you probably get paranoid. You think to yourself, what the fuck is he doing right now?! Why isn’t texting back?! You’re probably getting a little suspicious and wondering what we’re up to. Well, I’m here to help.
Here are the 33 different things your boyfriend could be doing if he’s not texting. Now before you read this list, keep one important thing in mind: This list is 100% accurate. Maybe it’ll seem like a joke, maybe this shit will seem made up. Well it’s not, so take this seriously. This list is completely, absolutely, undoubtedly accurate. No exceptions. So read closely. This is what guys are doing when they don’t text back.
- We’re just busy at work.
- We’re hanging with our friends, playing poker and doing bath salts.
- We’re writing the screenplay to Star Wars Episode VIII: Hillary And Trump Are Gonna Fuck Us All.
- We’re farting in jars and mailing them to Jared Leto.
- We’re writing the great American novel.
- We’re visiting OJ Simpson in prison to work on our collab hip-hop mixtape with him.
- We’re experimenting homosexually with Channing Tatum while on ecstasy at a shitty music festival.
- We’re helping Liam Neeson save his daughter (AGAIN).
- We’re jacking off to Fergie music videos from 2005.
- We’re kidnapping the president of Kazakstan.
- We’re finally finding Waldo.
- We’re finally finding Carmen Sandiego.
- We’re having a devil’s threesome with Waldo and Carmen Sandiego.
- We’re commenting overly angry shit on TFM articles.
- We’re fucking your best friend Kelly.
- We’re in a fistfight with Kelly’s boyfriend and fleeing the cops after we accidentally killed him.
- We’re eating Anthony Hopkins.
- We’re wearing backwards hats and collared shirts, chugging beer and objectifying women and being douchebags with no self-awareness.
- We’re at the gym.
- We’re having diarrhea.
- We’re getting kicked out of the gym for having diarrhea at the gym.
- We’re buying an engagement ring for you.
- Just kidding.
- We’re getting plastic surgery to look more like Zac Efron.
- We’re getting a sex change in an alley and realizing we didn’t plan this out well enough.
- We’re stealing the United States constitution.
- We’re cutting Bill Cosby’s head off because, holy shit, someone’s gotta do it.
- We’re buying coat hangers just in case you have another pregnancy scare.
- We’re killing Wally Bryton.
- We’re racing the Tour de France to get some bitches.
- We’re building a time machine to go kill Adam Sandler before he makes That’s My Boy.
- We’re dead.
- We’re writing a shitty TFM article.