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33 Reasons Your Assignment Was Late

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Sometimes shit happens and you just don’t make a deadline. This is pretty much something you’ll experience throughout life, not just in college. The difference is, in college, the reason for that missed assignment could be as simple as you decided that drinking from 4 p.m. to 4 a.m. on a Monday afternoon was the best decision since picking a school. Every undergraduate career worth remembering has a few of these stories, though they do tend to correlate to how badly you do in your hardest classes. I would have probably graduated with at least a 3.5 if I didn’t have a habit of blacking out and waking up naked in campus buildings I may or may not have had swipe access to. How or why people trusted me to prepare samples for a 400-person lab course, I’ll never know.

So why might you “forget” to turn in an assignment on time?

  1. The pledge assigned to get the answers for your assignment was attacked by the professor’s dog and failed in his mission to acquire the answer key.
  2. You knocked your laptop with your unsaved paper off of your bed while having intense, sloppy, drunk sex.
  3. You used the money you should have paid for a book to buy a stripper.
  4. There was an unplanned blackout at the house, but strangely no power outage.
  5. It was a religious holiday for a religion you don’t follow, but you figured you should show some solidarity.
  6. There was a 14-day “The Simpsons” marathon for you to watch.
  7. An acute case of serious Netflix binging caused you to partially fuse to your couch and finish all the seasons of “Mad Men.”
  8. Your social schedule just didn’t allow time for you to pencil in meetings with your professor about your project.
  9. The professor always schedules class during the time you’ve set aside to be on the golf course.
  10. “Animal House” was on and you’ve only seen it 30 times.
  11. A pledge ate your homework, causing you to have to reiterate that it was voluntary and you belong to a “non-hazing” organization.
  12. Someone used the worksheet you needed to finish for rolling papers.
  13. All of the answers to your take-home exam were coated in the unholy mixture of dip spit and crushed up Adderall.
  14. You haven’t seen the inside of your classroom since the first day of the semester, so you had no idea anything was due.
  15. Itinerary pledge didn’t update your iCalendar in time for you to finish the assignment, throwing your whole week off schedule.
  16. Sorority social or homework? Not even a question. Grades will always be there, but you only get four or five years of college sorority girls.
  17. You haven’t bothered turning in anything since your professor is on the alumni board and gave you all the answers ahead of time.
  18. You woke up in a different state and were unable to attend class that morning.
  19. The police don’t grant you a laptop in the drunk tank.
  20. “We Didn’t Start The Fire” came on your study playlist, and you accidentally started a fire.
  21. The previous night’s paint party got the best of you, and the professor for your art history elective wouldn’t accept your “living report” on Picasso.
  22. You timed your pre-exam study aid power hour wrong and ended up on Tinder until sunrise.
  23. Someone told you he might go out later, causing you to drop all work and sprint directly to your favorite bar. Networking is important in college, after all.
  24. Your professor has forgotten you are even in the class and just keeps accidentally giving you full credit for things, like some kind of awesome, real-world “Office Space” situation.
  25. In the pursuit of the hot TA hookup, you secured yourself a solid “A” for effort this semester.
  26. The chapter test banks didn’t have what you needed, so you assumed it simply can’t be known.
  27. You constructed an elaborate ruse to make your professor believe you were a Division 1 athlete and he now accepts papers of 40 words or less, due by the end of your college career.
  28. Weekend benders that extend into the next weekend–it’s hard to keep a schedule when you’re channeling Hunter S. Thompson’s college years.
  29. You missed class trying to mow down a swarm of longboarders riding around campus.
  30. You had to attend the funeral of your sixth grandmother.
  31. Someone or something peed and/or vomited on it.
  32. You attempted to edit drunk and write sober.
  33. You spent five hours reading a book and made it through 10 pages due to normal house distractions, like a midget stripper doing a kegstand.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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