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32 Signs You Might Have A Drinking Problem

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FAIL FRIDAY: Puking Through Your Nose

Lots of people say they were alcoholics in college. This is simply not the case. There’s a fine line between drinking frequently and drinking because you have to. If you’re on this list, you’re probably seeing two of that line. Hey, I’m not judging. A lot of my articles are inspired by personal experience.

  1. When you hand your credit card to the cashier at the sub shop, you instinctively tell him to “leave it open.”
  2. Your morning poops go something like this:

  3. You’ve killed three-fourths of the empty cases stapled to the fraternity house wall by yourself.
  4. You’ve got several empty cans of Natty next to your shampoo bottle.
  5. Nothing offends you more than people leaving behind half-finished beers.
  6. You finish people’s half-finished beers.
  7. Your last class Powerpoint presentation was about “The Live Of Goerge Washingnot.”
  8. You frequently bring home tens and wake up next to ones.
  9. You once brought home a five and woke up next to a man.
  10. Your mom sends you concerned text messages.
  11. You’ve been to Judicial more than anyone else in the fraternity.
  12. Judicial meetings are starting to feel more like interventions.
  13. You’ve soiled so many girls’ beds they should have a plaque with your name on it hanging in the local mattress store.
  14. Your nickname begins with “Dirty” or ends with “The Tank.”
  15. Your liver feels like a slutty girl’s father – it’s letting you down.
  16. You woke up in an ice bath missing your liver.
  17. You’ve punched so many holes in the wall that the structural integrity of your house has been compromised.
  18. Women you have no memory of meeting scowl at you on campus.
  19. “Sex” is really just you mashing your soft penis against her vagina for a few minutes before vomiting on her chest and passing out.
  20. You only smoke cigarettes when you’re drunk but you smoke a pack a day.
  21. You have more mysterious cuts and bruises than a corpse on CSI.
  22. The Risk Manager assigned a pledge to keep tabs on you during every social event.
  23. There’s a sign with your face on it hanging in at least one bar downtown.
  24. You’ve peed on more things in the fraternity house than the 14-year-old hound with bladder problems.
  25. Your brothers have a ranking system for levels of drunkenness that span from “Buzzed” to “(Insert Your Name Here) Drunk.”
  26. You’ve soaked a tampon in booze and stuffed it up your ass to “keep a buzz going” while you’re in class.
  27. To you, the “ultimate drinking game” is called Stay Between The Lines.
  28. You’ve collected so many random stolen items that you could open a pawn shop.
  29. You sleep outdoors so often you start waking up to piles of spare change.
  30. Your ex has seen your penis more via drunken text message than she ever did while you were dating.
  31. The teacher of the Alcohol Education class knows you by name.
  32. Your assigned seat on the formal bus is the toilet in the back.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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