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31 Signs You’re Taking A Victory Lap

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The victory lap is a respected institution in which many a fraternity man indulges. Sometimes you just need an extra year or three to get everything you need out of your education. But as you go along, you’ll probably begin to notice some things have changed slightly.

  1. Your professor asks you if you’re in the wrong class when you show up for midterms.
  2. You use your last month’s bar tabs as evidence of financial hardship in your request for reduced house rent.
  3. Your appearance on the intramural field is directly correlated to what that night’s happy hour specials are.
  4. You already own most of the required textbooks, because your schedule is mostly made up of courses you’ve dropped over the years.
  5. You know the names of maybe half the guys in your chapter.
  6. No one understands your movie references.
  7. The officers have politely requested that you stop coming to pledging events.
  8. There are multiple things that your fraternity refers to as “pulling a [your name].”
  9. You frequently forget what your major is.
  10. Most of your stories are about things that happened to guys who already graduated.
  11. Your timeline is more full of wedding pictures and other people’s job offers than it is of college parties.
  12. You can’t go on spring break because you’re already banned from most of the good bars in the town everyone’s going to.
  13. A lot of the current pledges think you’re a faculty sponsor.
  14. Someone says, “Oh, I thought you were in grad school this whole time” to you at least once a week.
  15. You never pay for booze, because you’re the one all the underage guys come to for alcohol.
  16. You actually have to get a job for the first time.
  17. You have six different explanations for why you’re still in school, and none of them are “I fucked around too much,” which is the actual reason.
  18. Professors don’t expect anything from you because you’ve conditioned them not to.
  19. Freshman girls are the only females available to you, because everyone else has either slept with you already or knows someone who has.
  20. You have advice for underclassmen of every major, because you’ve spent time in pretty much every department.
  21. You don’t get involved in any house rivalries because it’s boring and you’ve seen it all before.
  22. Sorority pledges are warned about you.
  23. Everyone wants to hear your stories, but no one wants to hear your advice.
  24. You actually don’t understand a lot of the slang words people are using.
  25. Your younger friends use you as an example when they explain to their parents why their school performance actually isn’t that bad.
  26. Watching freshmen behave makes you realize how truly idiotic you were back then.
  27. All of your bartenders know your class schedule.
  28. Your parents only update people about what you’re up to if they’re directly asked.
  29. The cops ask for you when they show up to the house for noise complaints.
  30. The treasurer doesn’t even bother asking you for your dues.
  31. You regret every day that you can’t start over as a freshman with all the knowledge you have now.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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