It doesn’t matter if you were some brass-wind blowing boner in the high school marching band or a Friday night lights “legend” who blew out his ACL missing a tackle during kickoff coverage day one of summer camp sophomore year, college offers everyone a fresh start.
Now you can be content with the undeveloped tadpole that you stare at in the mirror on a daily basis, be a part of some run-of-the-mill goon squad whose idea of an epic Friday night involves flipping over dorm room furniture to use as beer pong tables, a thirty rack of Natty, and a bottle of Skol vodka, and get a series of chafe-inducing handies from the cute-but-way-too-into-unicorns-for-her-age chubby chick you met at freshman orientation. You can choose that disappointing life of sporadic unsatisfying ejaculation, or, you can come out swinging, and evolve into the wise-cracking, dick-slinging, alpha bullfrog of your domain.
What’s that? You want to go with door number two? Of course you do, you prolapsed anus. Here’s some helpful tips for your trip down glory road.
1. Carry a pack of cigarettes at all times.
Saying there’s some honey in the courtyard trying to bum a heater is like saying the sky is blue, the grass is green, or that you’re a complete moron for dropping $200 on the table coaster that is your gen-ed required sociology textbook. You can always count on some little minx sitting at the picnic tables trying to mooch a cig.
The thing about girls that smoke? They fuck. That’s just indisputable fact. If you come through in the clutch as her nicotine-hauling hero and give her the five minutes of small talk attention she craves, tobacco won’t be the only substance she’s inhaling that day.
Sure, you may pick up and get addicted to this life-threatening habit in the process, but that’ll be the least of your concerns when you’re drowning in ashy pussy.
2. Run a fake I.D. operation out of your dorm.
Two birds here. Win over the hearts of your entire student housing complex all while making a few extra bucks doing so. Why have “a guy” when you can be “the guy?” Master the art of passable ID making and doors will literally open up for you — bouncers just move out of the way. You’ll gain instant credibility and notoriety as a fake manufacturing kingpin that isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Girls love the bad boy, guys respect the hustle, and you’ll be one the most sought after freshman on campus — by both fraternities and the school’s administration. Register all of the purchases and software under your roommate’s name. That way, if the cops do come snooping around, you’ll have a “fall guy.”
3. Get in with a group of dimes before sorority recruitment.
Swallow your pride and willingly get friend zoned by the hottest girls on your floor and in your Summer A classes. This is the long con: genuine friendship. Not only is it a good look when you roll squad deep to fraternity rush parties with nothing but sexpots, but you’re also firmly planting yourself to be in the picture all four years with top-tier tail after they go through sorority recruitment.
Sure, guys might commonly mistake you as “the gay friend,” and these girls certainly see you as “more like a brother,” but their less attractive, less emotionally stable sisters will open their legs right up if you can hold it all together and not drunkenly and unsuccessfully try to make a move on your smokeshow friends. I’m no mathematician, but I think it only takes two 7s to surpass a 10..