Anything But Clothes (ABC)
The theme here is simple: you can wear anything, as long as you’re not wearing clothes. Whether that means covering yourself in wrapping paper like an alcoholic Christmas present, or making a diaper out of duct tape to secure your baby junk, you have to find a way to dress yourself without using any traditional garb.
Theoretically, you end up with a bunch of scantily clad sorority girls running around with their nipples barely concealed by caution tape. The problem is that fat people exist. I personally believe that for every fat fuck you have to see squeezed into a kilt made of Keystone Light boxes, five smoking hot girls might as well be erased from the party.
Honestly, I’m more repulsed by fat dudes than fat chicks. At least fat chicks take extra care to ensure they’re well groomed in a futile effort to make up for their weight, but fat dudes don’t give a flying fuck. They’re all hairy, sweaty, smelly, and covered in Cheetos crumbs.
The main character of HBO’s Boardwalk Empire, Nucky Thompson, makes an interesting point in saying, “We all have to decide how much sin we can live with.” Similarly, we all have to decide how much visible flab we can live with. I’ve never found this theme to be worth the blubber that comes with it.
White Trash Bash
The goal is to look like you live in the most disreputable of shithole trailer parks. You’re going to see a lot of wife-beaters, ripped jeans, temporary barbed wire tattoos, and sleeveless NASCAR t-shirts. I don’t care if you smoke, you should have two packs of Marlboro Reds in your pocket for this party. You’re bound to see at least one girl sporting a fake baby bump. Nothing revs the General Lee’s engine more than a pregnant chick with a Four Loko in hand.
The problem here is that not even the hot girls are going to look hot. Sure, a lot of them will be wearing Daisy Dukes, but there will be so many other mediocre chicks wearing Daisy Dukes that they’ll just blend in with the crowd. Everyone just looks poor and stupid.
Also, you’re going to look like a retard in every photo from this event, and it’s not a clever enough theme for you to say, “It was a white trash bash!” when someone asks, “Why the fuck were you dressed like a hillbilly?”
Theoretically, I think this party would work out better if there were no white people involved. Just like a Cinco de Mayo fiesta is more ironically entertaining when none of the attendees are Mexican, it would be a much more effective theme if a group of Mexicans decided to throw a white trash party.
The ’80s were awesome. There is no denying that. There was neon. There was Journey. There was so much neon, and so much Journey. There was also cocaine. If you can’t nail the outfit, playlist and drug of choice for this party, you should be shot.
Everything about the ’80s theme creates an inhibition-free environment where horrible decisions are sure to be made. In fact, this is definitely one of my favorite party themes.
Problem is, this party has literally been thrown for over 30 years. There have been more ’80s theme parties in America than people served by McDonalds. It’s almost like if you just now got around to making a “Harlem Shake” video. You’re late, and there’s no new spin that you could possibly come up with to improve upon what has already been done.
Like I said, this is one of my all-time favorites, but don’t be surprised if by senior year you find yourself saying, “Fuck me, another ’80s party?”