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3 Insanely American Fireworks Displays That Need To Exist

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Ah, fireworks, the quintessential explosive of celebrating America. Many a child has sat below their booming, fiery power and said, “oooh, look at the pretty colors!” For too long, fireworks were held back from their full potential, being written off as no more than abstract combinations of colorful light in the night sky, and most people were okay with that. But others said no. Some brilliant soul out there said to himself, “there is so much more potential here, and I’m going to make these fireworks dance. They will be more than just a pretty combination of colors, they will show crowds what it really means to be American and why America kicks so much ass.”

This 4th of July, when you go out to a fireworks show, you will see smiley faces in the sky that represent the happy lives of Americans, from the child who gets to stay up late to watch things explode, to the college kid home for the summer who is using the fireworks to put the moves on his next piece of ass, to the middle-aged divorcee who is enjoying getting to see something other than his life exploding into pieces. You might catch a glimpse of an American flag in the midst of the detonations, reminding everyone in the crowd how awesome we are. You might even see the fireworks burst in the form of the glorious letters “USA,” at which point you’ll be obligated to either join in on or start a USA chant. These are marvelous additions to fireworks shows, but they only scratch the surface of what’s possible.

The American people deserve better, and I know it’s possible. With the kind of shit they’re cooking up in Disney World, they could recreate Washington Crossing the Delaware. But there are even better options available. I’ve curated for you three of the best freedom boner-inducing images that need to be painted across the skies for every 4th of July to come.


A Bald Eagle Shitting On England

Nothing more accurately reflects the mood of our founders when declaring their independence from Great Britain. A giant bald eagle, symbol of America and its freedoms, dwarfing the teeny tiny island that held us back from being our own kickass nation for far too long. A gorgeous display symbolizing how great and powerful we were destined to become.


The Statue Of Liberty Shoving Her Torch Up Osama Bin Laden’s Ass

Fuck terrorism, fuck attacks against us and our country, and fuck Osama Bin Laden. Seeing his capture and execution carried out was a huge win for America and was a total power move that showed the world what we think of terrorists. We kicked his ass, and continue to kick ass.


Kid Rock Sitting Atop A Tomahawk Cruise Missile With A Natural Light In One Hand And A Big Double Burger From Cookout In The Other

America, fuck yeah.

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Not So Sweetheart

The most rational, reasonable, and riotous girl you'll ever meet.

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