While we all love our fraternity brothers, we also want to be better than all of them at everything all the time. Many a drunken fist fight has ensued over the debated results of a shotgun race, a game of beer pong that was shrouded in controversy, or an unwillingness to believe how many OTPHJs my buddy Colby claims he got at the crush party. Total liar. Knocked his bitch ass out.
At my fraternity at DeVry University, I’m the best at everything — at least that’s what I tell everyone and myself. I can’t really prove that statement as I’ve never met any other member of my chapter in person. Realistically, I haven’t even interacted with any of them besides the times I’ve Venmo’d my dues to our treasurer. I’ve still never even heard back from that jerk. He’s a busy dude though, on account of him being a Nigerian prince and all, so I can’t really blame him.
Here are three competitions you can hold amongst the members of your chapter, that, for liability’s sake, I advise you never partake in, think about, or even read about.
For those of you who aren’t familiar, nutball is where you and a fraternity brother sit on the floor in just your underwear about ten feet away from each other. Great start, right? You then both spread your legs out wide and take turns lobbing a ball at your opponent’s junk. The first one to tap out loses. The difficulty modes are as follows: Easy — whiffle ball, Medium — tennis ball, Hard — lacrosse ball, Very Hard — bowling ball. Set up a bracket-style tournament with the dudes who have the smallest junk getting the highest seeds, and you’re ready for some March Gladness.
Here’s a video of the Jackass boys partaking in some friendly competition:
Nutball is a true testament to how great a country the United States is. In most countries, you do all you can to keep yourself healthy and fertile so that you can be a productive member of society. We swingin’ Americans don’t give a shit. We laugh in your stupid French faces and play games where the object is to hit your friend in the nuts until he cries, and where bravery and unwillingness to tap out are rewarded by making it so that you can’t have kids, effectively rendering your entire existence useless with regards to the betterment of humanity. Man, we have fun.
2. Full Shave November
There is no better way to have your entire fraternity get noticed walking around on campus while simultaneously enjoying some friendly competition than by partaking in Full Shave November. While most of the campus’ male population will be sporting some ugly-ass pre-pubescent style beards in the spirit of No Shave November, your entire fraternity will consist of a bunch of Vin Diesel lookalikes (is there anything dreamier?) bopping around campus with legs smooth and pink as a naked mole rat in heat. All brothers who keep their entire bodies shaved all month long win, with all losers having to participate in a shit-in (which is where every brother in the house shits into the toilets in the bathroom without flushing until they all overflow, and the participant has to stay awake for 24-hours straight in the bathroom and then clean the bathroom when he’s done).
This competition has a number of benefits for your chapter. The sheer volume of hair that will be introduced into your fraternity house’s drainage system on October 31st is sure to cause a clog. This will save your house a bundle on the water bill for the month of November, as all showers will be transformed into undrainable, 2-inch deep bathtubs. Brothers will be forced to either soak in the hairy broth or shower at the rec center. Furthermore, there is no better way to raise awareness for a cause than by participating in an act of solidarity. Find a non-profit for which you want to help raise money and awareness and offer to dedicate your head shaving to their cause. Watch out for neo-nazi groups.
3. The Gallon Challenge
It sounds innocent enough, but believe me, this isn’t your grandma’s gallon challenge (unless your grandma’s one real fucked up, octogenarian bitch). The rules are simple: Every member of your chapter is provided with a one-gallon jug. You then race to see who can fill up the gallon with semen the fastest. What happens if everybody else fills up their gallon before you? You get to stand there in a kiddy pool as your victorious brethren pour the contents of their gallon jugs all over you. It’s sick, it’s twisted, and it’s disgusting – which is exactly how you make the best college memories.
Let me lay out the logistics for you. As we all know, spunk is measured in loads, with one load containing approximately 3.4 mL of ooey gooey. With a gallon being equal to 3785.41 mL, it is going to take you approximately 1,114 loads to fill up your jug. This means that if you are trying to win the Ryan Leaf Endurance Award, granted to all those who complete the challenge in one year or less, you’re looking at a minimum of 3 encounters a day with your jug. Earning the opportunity to call yourself a “Leafer” is a mesmerizing feat that has so far only been completed once, by my boy Bootystank Joe. He let the fame get to his head afterward, though. Doesn’t hang around with us much anymore. He usually just stands in the dairy aisle at the grocery store and stares at all the full gallons of milk calling them his “udder brothers” or some weird shit like that. He has some demons.
Make sure to watch out for cheaters. Not wanting to taste the salty sweetness of their entire pledge class, many participants will do anything to not lose. Popular cheating maneuvers include buying a pack of Toaster Strudels and squeezing the icing from the icing packets into your jug to make it appear like you are further along than you are, as well as taking used condoms out of the trash and adding the contents to your jug (an act that is legal if your fraternity is a bunch of cowards and adds the French Amendment to its rulebook. Fuckin’ French pansies).
You didn’t hear about these from me..