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Fall semester is about to start, which means it’s time to hash out advice to the chipper, smiling freshman who will all inevitably become crushed by the established practices of college.
Here are 28 things that will help you transition and leave you less surprised when they actually happen. And they will actually happen.
1. Oh, you know your major already? It’s going to change 15 times.
2. Nobody in your orientation group ever turns into your friend.
3. Having class outside isn’t actually a thing.
4. Going to class and sucking up literally means nothing to your professor.
5. Your meal card just became the whole fraternity’s meal card.
6. You’re going to get fat. You can’t stop it.
7. Don’t ask for directions around campus–you’re going to get the wrong ones.
8. For girls, That overly friendly senior wants to get to know you because he wants to fuck you.
9. For guys, That overly friendly senior is going to beat the shit out of you in the basement in about three weeks.
10. That kid who thinks he is going to transfer in isn’t going to get in.
11. The breakfast buffet in the cafeteria is clutch on the weekends.
12. The wholesale price of everything you eat is no more that 15 cents.
13. Your grades still matter. Kind of.
14. Nobody wants to just “hang out” after 11 p.m.
15. Intramural sports are more than just pickup games. It’s a high school hero thing.
16. Get internships. No one will ever ask about your GPA.
17. Actually, your grades don’t matter.
18. Learn to play golf. If you don’t like golf, shame on you.
19. Living in a dorm is like living in a jail cell. Don’t bother taking pride in keeping it clean.
20. Care packages from Mom and Dad are the best.
21. When you go home for the first time, don’t act like you’ve changed around your friends. You haven’t.
22. Drop the last name from your Facebook. You don’t want to be searched.
23. Goodwill is good for theme parties.
24. Goodwill is good for clothes.
25. You’re not going to like everyone in your pledge class. Don’t bother faking it.
26. Your RA is not your friend. No matter how cool he is, he will always sell you out.
27. “I am going to work out all the time this semester.” You are going to work out three times this semester.
28. You live in poverty now. Learn to budget so you can still buy cases of beer on a regular basis.
Enjoy your freshman year. Millions of Americans would trade places with you in a second. It only gets worse from here on out.