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Election season is always long, stressful, and polarizing, and this particular election took that notion to another level. But America isn’t about division; it’s about unity, and there’s a lot of shit that we, as a country, can agree upon. For the past 16 months, politics have dominated our conversations — but now, we can finally move on to these equally important topics of discussion. Here are some things we can finally talk about now that this fuckin’ godforsaken election is over.
- The fact that Talladega Nights is low key funnier than Anchorman (Anchorman is still a classic, though).
- The fact that Jay Z has like 3 different songs where he brags about being richer than MC Hammer, which is unnecessary because everyone is richer than MC Hammer. Seriously, if you walk down the street, see a quarter on the ground and pick it up, congratulations — you’re now richer than MC Hammer.
- The fact that baseball pitchers spit on the ground way too damn much. If you’ve got that much phlegm, you need to go see a professional.
- The fact that DJs at clubs should stop playing shitty remixes of good songs. Just play the song itself, asshole.
- The fact that we were all shocked by how catchy “Love Yourself” by Justin Bieber was (admit it, you downloaded that shit).
- The fact that Willy Wonka was technically a prolific child killer.
- The fact that going to In-N-Out Burger alone without bringing some food back for your significant other should be considered domestic abuse.
- The fact that we should stop leaving mean comments on Floyd Mayweather’s Instagram because we know damn well he can’t read them.
- The fact that, when you think about it, the ending of 50 First Dates is fucking horrifying.
- The fact that when Michael Cera has a mustache, he goes from looking like “the boy next door” to “the registered sex offender that just moved next door.”
- The fact that Sean William Scott has been 35 years old for 100 years.
- The fact that video games get announced way too fucking early. I’ll see a cool trailer for a video game then see that it doesn’t come out until November 2043.
- The fact that there are no children named Kirk these days. Anyone named Kirk came out of the womb as a 41-year-old suburban father.
- The fact that Colin Kaepernick has to google his own name to make sure he’s spelling it right.
- The fact that if All Dogs Go To Heaven wasn’t already a Disney cartoon, it’d be the perfect name for a Michael Vick documentary.
- The fact that Mad Max: Fury Road, was great but the dialogue feels like it was written by a mentally ill 8-year-old boy on a coke binge.
- The fact that serial killers should never wear white women after Labor Day.
- The fact that uncircumcised dicks look like Alf.
- The fact that having a moment of silence for Joe Paterno would be WAY too ironic.
- The fact that Macklemore’s song about police brutality somehow set us back 5 decades in race relations.
- The fact that it’s pointless for the people in the Purge movies to wear creepy masks and clown makeup. Like, I understand murdering people, but can’t we just dress casual?
- The fact that when Mike Tyson dies, we’re gonna see THOUSANDS of shitty “Retht In Peath” jokes on twitter.
- The fact that Lil Wayne’s rock album is still the best thing to ever happen to America.
- The fact that Johnny Bravo was definitely a sexual predator.
- The fact that Wally Bryton is the fucking worst.
- The fact that, fuck it, we CAN believe it’s not butter!.
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