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25 Ways Flappy Bird Is Like Sex

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If you’ve had the internet over the past week, inevitably you’ve heard about Flappy Bird, a new mobile game that combines Super Mario-inspired graphics with the no room for error punishment of old school video games. Yeah it’s fun, but that’s not why it’s popular. Stressful, impossible to master, infuriating, and yet still addictive, people love it because it reminds them of sex.

Here’s how:

1. Keeping it up is infinitely more difficult when you’re drunk.

2. …and when you can’t, you’ll scream at it.

3. Those who haven’t tried it will probably try to downplay it.

4. …but after your first time you can’t get enough.

5. Girls are also into it, but you wonder how much in comparison.

6. Once you start, there’s no stopping until you collapse.

7. You get a solid rhythm going until you get too excited.

8. …but a steady and consistent beat will get it where you want it to go.

9. If you don’t dip deeply enough, you won’t get anywhere.

10. You can’t last more than a few seconds at first.

11. You’d like to think you last longer than most people.

12. You can’t be afraid to dive face first.

13. It’s both flappy and really hard.

14. It has one eye.

15. You have to slip it in a tight space.

16. The closer to 18, the more nervous you get.

17. My record so far is 31.

18. You brag to your friends about it after.

19. A bunch of losers online lie about their number.

20. Practice makes perfect.

21. …or leads to frustration-induced apathy.

22. If you finish before you want, you’ll probably get pissed off.

23. …but you can always try again.

24. It’s better when you’re not with your girlfriend.

25. …or wearing a condom.

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I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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