======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
1. If your boxers have a longer inseam than your shorts, you’re doing it wrong.
2. Bow ties are for special occasions. Not for your 10:40am class on Wednesday.
3. Happy hour should last at least two more hours. There’s gotta be a way we can fix this.
4. Going fishing does not require that you dress yourself to resemble a Columbia brand vibrator.
5. Doing drugs can be cool. Thinking you’re cool because you do drugs is not.
6. Your father may have accomplished a lot, but in the grand scheme of things, you haven’t achieved shit yet.
7. We need to invent a guy version of LuLu.
8. Shotgunning any liquid other than beer makes you look like a mentally challenged middle schooler trying to impress his 6.5 of a teacher.
9. Snitching on other Greek organizations needs to stop. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but I do. Snitches get stitches.
10. Know that when you put money in a jukebox, you are controlling the atmosphere of the entire bar. That’s a big responsibility. Don’t fuck it up.
11. The power to send a text message to the entire fraternity should not be taken lightly.
12. In no way, shape or form is “gayzing” acceptable.
13. If your closet looks like something a pastel walrus shat out while on a week long LSD-bender, I’ll chop your dick off.
14. Ladies, a boob job is not something you want to “save money on.” The result could come out looking like hastily duct-taped hand grenades attached to your chest.
15. I don’t care if it’s 115 degrees, if you’re Greek you should dress like a respectable human being on gameday. It’s still a special occasion.
16. If you play Wagon Wheel six times a night, you’re part of the reason people like Darius Rucker are ruining it.
17. If you’re unfamiliar with it, look up the definition of “satire” before your read this site. At least do that before you write a hasty article bashing us in the student newspaper.
18. No matter what you may hear or think, it still isn’t cool to be an asshole to a female of any level of attractiveness.
19. If you’re visiting another chapter of your letters, you should give them a heads up before you do. Especially if your chapter is significantly smaller and/or weirder than the other.
20. Everyone loves a good rival fraternity scuffle, but keep it on your respective properties. Bar fights can only end badly for everyone involved.
21. If we could avoid two sorority functions overlapping, that would be great. Sometimes we just don’t feel like choosing.
22. Sorority girls: “Crazy” and “Girl I’d like to hang out with” are not synonyms.
23. Snapchats of your shits aren’t funny anymore.
24. Less shitty meals, more chicken parm nights, and take beef tips off the fucking menu.
25. American flag shorts can be awesome…in the right setting. A sorority formal is not the right setting.