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25 Signs You’re Too High Right Now

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Do you hit the devil’s lettuce on a regular basis? Did you inhale some wacky tobacky earlier today? Are you wondering if people will be able to tell? Do you love this shit? Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous? (Picture those last three questions being said in my best Lil Wayne voice).

Did you smoke today and are you wondering if you’re currently a little too much of a pot zombie to exit the couch and go function in modern society? Maybe you’re afraid you’ll be at work and it’ll be obvious that you’re stoned. But maybe you’re not sure. You may be contemplating where the thin red line is between high and TOO high. Well here are some warning signs for if you’re too high right now.

  1. Your eyes are so red that you look like you’ve been possessed by Satan himself (aka John Mayer).
  2. You think you’re eating waffles but you realize you’re actually just biting your girlfriend’s leg.
  3. You think you’re eating waffles but you realize you’re actually just biting your girlfriend’s leg and you don’t even have a girlfriend.
  4. You try to wack off but instead of shooting a load, your dick just coughs.
  5. You’ve listened to more than zero Mac Miller songs.
  6. You’re Seth Rogen.
  7. You’re not Seth Rogen but you look like him so you try to get pussy by telling chicks that you’re him but it doesn’t work because they’re still mad about The Green Hornet.
  8. You’re the one person that actually enjoyed The Green Hornet.
  9. Just kidding, The Green Hornet wasn’t even that bad.
  10. Still wasn’t good, though.
  11. Or maybe it was, I don’t know, I’ve never seen The Green Hornet.
  12. You can listen to a post-2013 Kid Cudi song without wanting to shove pencils into your ears and jump off a building.
  13. Your ears are ringing really loudly and it’s disorienting.
  14. It turns out that the ringing is actually the phone andf Seth Rogen is coming over to kick your ass for talking so much shit about The Green Hornet.
  15. Your eyes have gigantic bags under them and you’re drooling like a special student.
  16. You have such bad munchies you just ate 11 Big Macs, 24 bags of Doritos, a dead cat, and a Guatemalan toddler that was a violin prodigy with a bright future.
  17. You look your bong in the eyes (even though it doesn’t have eyes), realize it was the right girl for you all along and propose to it.
  18. You hear a knock on the door and you eat your weed because you’re paranoid that it’s the cops but it’s just Kid Cudi thanking you for the support.
  19. You shit out the weed you ate and smoke it, and it somehow still works.
  20. You and your bong get a divorce and you’re pissed because she didn’t sign a prenup.
  21. The bong starts dating Seth Rogen just to spite you.
  22. You’re so exhausted that you can’t even muster up the energy to tell Wally Bryton to kill himself.
  23. You freak out because you’re 27 hours late for work.
  24. You freak out because you’re 27 hours late for work but then you remember you don’t have a job.
  25. You thought this shitty article was funny.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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