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1. “I don’t want to buy my friends.”
We didn’t buy friends, we bought better friends.
2. “You guys do all that gay hazing.”
You are a misinformed pussy.
3. “Frat guys are so fucking elitist.”
Not elitist. Elite.
4. “You’re just slaves to the system.”
With the unbelievable amount of partying and unprotected sex we can have, I’m pretty okay with this system.
5. “They always show up late to the class I TA for, and laugh every time I use the word “parallel.”
Is there any way this class could come with subtitles?
6. “They would have made me cut my hair.”
Granted, you are an Art History major, but at some point you’re going to have to stop looking like an escaped orangutan and become a respectable member of society.
7. “Their shorts are so short, and have so few pockets. I bet they can’t even fit a backup graphing calculator in there.”
Two..graphing…calculators? Moving on.
8. “They walk so slow on campus. How are they ever on time without a longboard or at least a Razor scooter?”
I lay sticks in the middle of the sidewalks for people like you. I hope you get a concussion.
9. “Sorority girls are all bimbo sluts with no personalities.”
…who give great blowjobs. I see no problem here.
10. “Who would willingly be someone’s bitch for a whole semester?”
One semester of work for 7+ of booze-laden insanity, complete with free indentured servitude. You don’t know much about investments, do you?
11. “They act like they help so much with their philanthropies, but really only go there to get drunk.”
I’ve seen millions of dollars donated to charity through Greek life in four short years. You play shitty “Oasis” covers on a shadowy corner for spare change on Tuesday nights.
12. “They always give me dirty looks when I ask questions in the last minute of class.”
We’ve got beers to drink. Handle your endless supply of stupidity on your own time, not ours.
13. “They walk around like they own the place.”
We pretty much do.
14. “They visit after-hours on the all-female floor, and draw vulgar pictures on my RA whiteboard.”
What was I supposed to do, take the freshman back to my place?
15. “I only see them in the library a day or two before the test, but they always score higher than me.”
Let’s just say I’m thankful there aren’t any performance enhancing drug tests in college.
16. “They always do their work at the last minute for group projects.”
Deal with it. Besides, somebody has to present the thing, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be you.
17. “They use chewing tobacco during intramural softball games. This is a tobacco free campus!”
How else are we supposed to make beating Team Cargo Shorts by twenty exciting?
18. “Every time I play Progressive Death Metal at the bar one of them skips it for some shitty classic rock.”
That is not drinking music. That is “I probably murder babies in my free time” music. Find a different bar.
19. “I asked one to bum an American Spirit at the bar, and he looked at me like I was retarded.”
20. “They’re always so loud and obnoxious at restaurants.”
Sorry to interrupt your date with your grandmother…wait, that’s your bleeding mascara skin-bag of a girlfriend.
21. “They have huge barbecues every football game. Think of all the poor, dead, cows.
Poor, dead, and absolutely delicious cows.
22. “They always walk in the middle of our ultimate frisbee games. Come on, guys, Spirit of the Game!”
The minute you mention the national rules for your game of disc throwing under-athleticism is the moment I realize I shouldn’t take you seriously.
23. “They bend the bills of all their hats AND take the stickers off.”
You are not a rapper. If you don’t take the stickers off your hat it’s going to look like you stole it.
24. “They wear t-shirts with pockets. Who needs a pocket on a t-shirt?”
It’s where I keep the amount of fucks I give. Looks like it’s empty.
25. “I get drunk plenty, and we have awesome parties. I don’t need a fraternity to have fun.”
While you’re 1 and 1/2 Pabst Blue Ribbon kegger was a legendary rager I’m sure, you clearly don’t know what you’re missing.