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22 Ways To Know Your Alumni Haven’t Matured Since College

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Being an alumnus is pretty scary. College was a ton of fun, but the real world is a place where the unsuspecting and unready get chewed up and spit back out like people do with those peanut shells at Texas-themed steakhouses. That said, returning to school is a great way to blow off some steam as a young alumnus, but it’s pretty easy to tell which alumni are reverting to their college ways and which alumni simply haven’t developed any new ways since college.

  1. They’re still better at beer pong than every active member of the chapter.
  2. One of them “accidentally” tries to take a brother’s girlfriend home.
  3. They still have their student ID in their wallet for cheap cover at the local bars.
  4. You see them at more chapter meetings than some of the less active brothers.
  5. Despite the fact that their college years ended before most of the current guys joined the chapter, they’ve managed to keep up with the style and culture.
  6. They still black out on occasion, “occasion” being defined as once a week.
  7. One-night stands are still a big part of their dating playbook.
  8. Despite growing up at the height of the “Just Say No” campaigns, they always say yes to drugs.
  9. You have to send a chapter risk management email to the alumni before homecoming weekend.
  10. They pump more money into the chapter social funds than they do into the chapter scholarship funds.
  11. One of them is still dating or hooking up with a current undergrad.
  12. They still play kings at parties after graduation.
  13. Hosting house parties didn’t stop when they walked at graduation.
  14. …and neither did convincing the cops that “it’s just a few close friends.”
  15. On one of the many alumni weekends, they had sex in a random but incredibly public location on campus.
  16. Your alumni have accidentally made Fail Friday.
  17. You’ve watched an actual lawyer talk his way out of being arrested for disorderly conduct after throwing his beer at a cop car.
  18. Previous years of alumni could have quorum for an alumni chapter meeting at your away weekends.
  19. One of the undergrads and one of the alumni swap dates at one of those away weekends.
  20. You’ve run into one of them in Cabo San Lucas, Panama City Beach, or Gulf Shores during spring break, which was cool until you realized he has a full-time job as a doctor.
  21. “Lots of people go to college for seven years.”
  22. They still contend that the best nights for your brotherhood are the nights that no one remembers until they’ve been reconstructed, “The Hangover”-style.

The alumni who don’t seem to want to grow up may be catastrophic clusterfucks for the better half of their twenties, but eventually they all get their shit together and manage to become productive, successful, gigantic clusterfucks. After all, if you don’t miss the best parts of college, did you really even go?

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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