21 Foolproof Excuses For When You Hit A Miserable Golf Shot

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Off the tee:

  1. “That’s what happens when you go in cold. I only got to hit balls on the range for like twenty minutes.”
  2. “Burnt myself out on the range. I was there for like twenty minutes.”
  3. “That was my breakfast ball” after losing the first ball. “That was my mulligan” after losing the second. “That was my Ginsburg” when you top a third straight tee shot.
  4. “Did you see that reflection off the head of my driver? Ridiculous. Sunglasses? That’s a hoe ass Zach Johnson move. I’d rather not look like a complete clown.”
  5. “A little peace and quiet would be appreciated during my backswing. I’m looking at you, Kyle. Fucking mouth-breather.”
  6. “I’m chalking that one up to the cart girl. How am I suppose to concentrate when she throws those major league yabbos in my face right before I tee off?Oh, I’m copping those digits by the turn. No question.”

Approach shots:

  1. “Waiting fifteen minutes between shots because of these chumps in front of us? Pace of play is THE biggest threat to the game of golf.”
  2. “No way I’m 150 out. I don’t care what that marker says. 120 at most.” Leaves shot way short. “Chunked it, man.”
  3. “I’m waiting for them to clear the green. What? You don’t think I can get on in two?” from 325 yards out. Duffs it. “Well now you have me doubting myself, asshole.”
  4. “Still getting used to these new blades. Really unforgiving if you don’t hit it perfect every time. Not that you’d know with those cavity backs. How long have I had them? About a year, but it’s not like I’m playing every day, you know?”
  5. “Weight room’s really fucking with my swing. Repping two plates eight times now. Plus, I can barely lift the club above these monster traps.”

Out of the bunker:

  1. “This bunker makes the herpes and used-needle infested beaches of Panama City right after the B.P. oil spill look like a tropical paradise getaway. I’m lucky I didn’t break my club in that rock pit.”
  2. “Shoutout to the fifty or so people before me that didn’t rake. Really appreciate it, guys.”
  3. “That ball was more plugged than Lisa Ann in an interracial gangbang.”
  4. “Left my sand wedge back on thirteen. The fact that I got it out, under that lip no less, is a miracle upon itself.”


  1. “I knew I had to get it up higher. Mistakingly grabbed my 54 instead of the 60. I was just being considerate of your time by not going back to my bag and switching it out.”
  2. “Whoever set up this pin location is the same type of jerkoff that enjoys Major championships that end with a winning score over par. Jordan Spieth couldn’t put it within fifteen feet.”
  3. “Didn’t know we were chipping onto the lubed-up icy sex dungeon of Elsa from “Frozen.” Anywhere else and that’s a tap in.”


  1. “The greens are slower than a western grip handjob from a sloth.
  2. “Can’t leave your birdie putt short,” after rolling it twenty feet past the hole for what was, by USGA rules, a double bogey.
  3. “Fix your fucking ball marks, you savages.”

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      Dan Regester

      Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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