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Off the tee:
- “That’s what happens when you go in cold. I only got to hit balls on the range for like twenty minutes.”
- “Burnt myself out on the range. I was there for like twenty minutes.”
- “That was my breakfast ball” after losing the first ball. “That was my mulligan” after losing the second. “That was my Ginsburg” when you top a third straight tee shot.
- “Did you see that reflection off the head of my driver? Ridiculous. Sunglasses? That’s a hoe ass Zach Johnson move. I’d rather not look like a complete clown.”
- “A little peace and quiet would be appreciated during my backswing. I’m looking at you, Kyle. Fucking mouth-breather.”
- “I’m chalking that one up to the cart girl. How am I suppose to concentrate when she throws those major league yabbos in my face right before I tee off?Oh, I’m copping those digits by the turn. No question.”
- “Waiting fifteen minutes between shots because of these chumps in front of us? Pace of play is THE biggest threat to the game of golf.”
- “No way I’m 150 out. I don’t care what that marker says. 120 at most.” Leaves shot way short. “Chunked it, man.”
- “I’m waiting for them to clear the green. What? You don’t think I can get on in two?” from 325 yards out. Duffs it. “Well now you have me doubting myself, asshole.”
- “Still getting used to these new blades. Really unforgiving if you don’t hit it perfect every time. Not that you’d know with those cavity backs. How long have I had them? About a year, but it’s not like I’m playing every day, you know?”
- “Weight room’s really fucking with my swing. Repping two plates eight times now. Plus, I can barely lift the club above these monster traps.”
Out of the bunker:
- “This bunker makes the herpes and used-needle infested beaches of Panama City right after the B.P. oil spill look like a tropical paradise getaway. I’m lucky I didn’t break my club in that rock pit.”
- “Shoutout to the fifty or so people before me that didn’t rake. Really appreciate it, guys.”
- “That ball was more plugged than Lisa Ann in an interracial gangbang.”
- “Left my sand wedge back on thirteen. The fact that I got it out, under that lip no less, is a miracle upon itself.”
- “I knew I had to get it up higher. Mistakingly grabbed my 54 instead of the 60. I was just being considerate of your time by not going back to my bag and switching it out.”
- “Whoever set up this pin location is the same type of jerkoff that enjoys Major championships that end with a winning score over par. Jordan Spieth couldn’t put it within fifteen feet.”
- “Didn’t know we were chipping onto the lubed-up icy sex dungeon of Elsa from “Frozen.” Anywhere else and that’s a tap in.”
- “The greens are slower than a western grip handjob from a sloth.
- “Can’t leave your birdie putt short,” after rolling it twenty feet past the hole for what was, by USGA rules, a double bogey.
- “Fix your fucking ball marks, you savages.”.