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If our houses could talk, they would probably be seeking counseling for PTSD and abuse. Our houses see a lot of crazy shit, and bear the brunt of the rage of 50-150 often drunk, emotional actives. Here are just a few things our houses might vent to their therapists, if they could.
1. Enough random, drunken sex to generate footage for the next 30 Girls Gone Wild videos.
2. The tears of the pledges, as they sit in a basement with only a strobe light, a puzzle and Milli Vanilli’s greatest hits at maximum volume, for 6 hours.
3. Drunk actives having contests to see how many new holes they can put in the wall.
4. The house manager’s burgeoning drinking problem when he sees all the new holes in the walls and realizes the repairs aren’t in his budget.
5. Someone taking a shit in a urinal — that depraved, sadistic fuck.
6. Enough casual cocaine use to make Tony Montana fear for your personal well-being.
7. The frat hound peeing on everything in sight. Either because he’s still being housebroken, or because the brothers got him drunk and he just doesn’t care where he pees.
8. The systematic abuse of Netflix subscriptions at 2AM for ethically questionable booty call purposes.
9. Drunk girls taking food from the kitchen, before disappearing upstairs with one of the brothers.
10. The sleep deprived pledges that have to clean up the now fucked up basement.
11. Enough alcohol to accommodate the New Year’s Eve celebrations in NYC.
12. A sea of empty cups, lost clothing, passed out brothers and dates, and flipped over tables after a great night.
13. An altercation with the police involving brothers sneaking freshmen out of the house like a drunk, college version of The Great Escape.
14. Enough walks of shame to film an Animal Planet-style documentary on college hookup culture.
15. The risk management chairman inevitably endangering the lives of everyone in the house no less than 3 times each semester. No, grilling in the kitchen with a propane grill was not a good idea. Neither was jumping off the back deck.
16. A mid-sized Adderall dealing operation.
17. A 1920s style mob scene when guys in the house realize the guy with the prescription is out.
18. Drunk brotherhood events with singing, during which everyone will know all the lyrics to every song, despite being too drunk to function. Scientists are still baffled by this.
19. A drunk brother inevitably trying to hit on the house mom. He may or may not succeed, but if he does, everyone involved will feel bad about it later.
20. A crazy, sometimes borderline unbelievable world, where all things are possible under the justification that it’s what college is about — just the way it should be.