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What if? I’ve been asking myself this question ever since Creed dropped their life-changing hit single in 1999. Well, what if when you turned around, instead of being surprised with a Smirnoff Ice by a smirking friend, he was holding a fucking beer bong? What if you had to stick that beer bong up your ass and butt chug? What if butt chugging becomes the new icing?
1. Beer bong anal adapter tips will sell like hot cakes at your local hardware store.
2. “Puke and rally” will become “diarrhea and rally.”
3. Boxers with flaps in the back, like old timey pajamas, will become the norm.
4. At the student health center, after the question “How many alcoholic drinks do you consume weekly?” there will be a follow up question: “Are you a butt chugger?”
5. Spinoff fads will develop, such as ear chugging, nose chugging, and pee hole chugging.
6. Obama will address Congress about the epidemic, causing Biden to burst into laughter at Barack’s first use of the phrase “butt chugging.”
7. There will be butt bonging competitions. With stopwatches. And ass slapping celebrations.
8. Public indecency citations will increase 100 fold, due to asshole exposure.
9. Everyone will be forced to carry a towel on their belt like an NFL quarterback. It won’t be used for soaking up sweat.
10. Girls will stop attending parties. It will just be a bunch of dudes running around pants-less, with beer bongs wagging from their asses like tails.
11. Brothers Against Butt Chugging (BABC) will grow to the size of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD).
12. There will be an entire room in every fraternity house dedicated to the movement, where the floors and walls are covered in tarp to protect from seepage, overflow, and squirting.
13. The butt chugging anthem will be UGK’s “Let Me See It.”
14. Every college student’s yearly checkup will include a rectal examination, and if the doctor suspects butt chugging, a colorfully tasteful pamphlet will be issued.
15. “You’ve been iced, brah!” will become “Stick this up your fucking ass, brah!”
16. Brosbuttchuggingbros.com will blow up.
17. Along with your normal hangover, you’ll receive a lovely case of the runs.
18. There will be a national underwear shortage, the likes of which we’ve never seen before.
19. The ability to butt chug two bongs at once will be a respected feat in circles of extreme perverts.
20. Freshman orientation speakers will inform students about the dangers of “rectal raging.”