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20 Differences Between A Frat Wedding And An NF Wedding

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Not Frat Wedding: Don’t see the bride the day of the wedding.
Total Frat Wedding: Spit game with the maid of honor too, if you can swing it.

NFW: Quietly admire your bride walking down the aisle to Pachelbel’s “Canon in D.”
TFW: Powerpoint at the bride as the organist plays Phil Collins’ “Sussudio.”

NFW: Humbly nod and thank the bride’s father after he gives her away.
TFW: Whisper into the ear of the bride’s old man, “I’m hitting that tonight.”

NFW: “Dearly beloved, we gather here today…”
TFW: “Dearly hungover, we rolled out of bed before kickoff today…”

NFW: Tearfully listen to your bride’s vows that express her unconditional, undying love for you.
TFW: Pretend to listen to what that chick’s blabbering about; actually play Snake on your phone.*

*Ed. Note- how sweet was Snake on Nokia back in the day? – J. Parks)

NFW: Open up emotionally like never before as you reciprocate your vows to your bride-to-be.
TFW: Go off on a fifteen minute, J&B fueled rant about your future parents-in-law that’s unintelligible at best, and “too true for comfort” at worst.

NFW: If Jewish, wear a Yarmulke, and honor the millennia-old traditions of the homeland by stepping on a lightbulb, symbolizing “may our love last as long as it takes to repair this glass,” or something.
TFW: Wear a bourbon-stained Reagan-Bush ’84 rope hat, and stomp the Red Solo cup you were drinking Natty out of, symbolizing that you will be a degenerate during the brevity of your marriage.

NFW: Take your bride by the hand, and put a gorgeous wedding band on her finger that will make all of her girlfriends jealous.
TFW: Take your bride by the hand, and show her the secret to a good wink-‘n-finger pistol. A true gift of envy.

NFW: “You may now kiss the bride,” followed by slightly open-mouthed kiss.
TFW: Full-on face mowing.

NFW: Sprint down the aisle smiling and hand-in-hand with your wife.
TFW: Sprint down the aisle to the men’s room by yourself because you broke the seal during the procession.

NFW: Classy cocktail hour, with the wait staff distributing exquisite hors d’oeuvres.
TFW: Power hour, and mint juleps on the side.

NFW: Bridal parties gather outside for formal photographs.
TFW: The bridesmaids take selfies and throw up what they know for 45 minutes.

NFW: Limo leaves with cans tied to the back.
TFW: Limo leaves with beer cans being chucked out the side windows at cars in the next lane.

NFW: Cash bar, beer and wine only.
TFW: Open bar with a fine single malt collection.

NFW: The Best Man and Maid of Honor tap their glasses and give nostalgic good luck toasts.
TFW: No one’s left to give a toast because the Best Man and Maid of Honor have snuck off to a broom closet.

NFW: You and your bride share your ceremonial first dance over Sir Elton John’s “Your Song.”
TFW: You and your bride drunkenly sway to “Wagon Wheel.”

NFW: Time for you to cut the cake.
TFW: Ice cream cake.

NFW: Bride tosses the bouquet into a crowd of her best friends.
TFW: dafb9f0f20cca34761ae8d8b01028f78936848577-414x800

NFW: Guests toss bird seed at your honeymoon-bound limo.
TFW: Pledge taxi to the airport, even though you’ve already graduated and that pledge has no idea who you are.

NFW: Consummate your marriage as man and wife. Finally.
TFW: Been there, done that.


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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