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18 Things She Better Not Get Me For Christmas

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1. Sex coupons.
We’re in college, not some 40-year-old couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom to save their crumbling marriage by hate-fucking each other when the kids are out smoking dope. If we’re not boning on the reg, I’m probably not talking to you.

2. Bottle koozies.
Also known as a bottle condom. You ever use one of these? Me neither. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that the bottle actually repels this zippered foam fleshlight looking concoction from going on. Besides, I’ve been using the same “What Would Jesus Do” koozie for the last three years. That thing is essentially an extension of me at this point.

3. My team’s jersey. With my name on the back.
Thanks for reminding me I never lived up to my parents’ dreams. I’m a complete failure in their eyes. I’m sure my buddies would never give me shit if I ever wear this, too.

4. Socks.
Real talk, girl. When’s the last time you saw me not in boat shoes? I spearheaded a motion to not have to wear socks to formal chapter.

5. A wallet.
Great. We’ll probably stop acknowledging each other’s existence when you find out I hooked up with four of your sisters before you. I’m setting that time bomb to go off in no more than two weeks. But now, something that’ll remind me of you is one of three things that I have on me at all times. You calculating hoe. I’m not even mad, honestly. Well played.

6. A book.
Thanks for the chore. Yeah, I’m definitely reading when I don’t answer your texts or calls and not out talking to freshmen girls. It’s just such a captivating read, you know?

7. A Vibrator/Cock Ring.
What? This dick isn’t good enough for you? I’ve done the research and it’s right at the average line. Wait, did I use the metric side of the ruler? Let me look again. Yup, average size! It seemed to do the job just fine last night. I got off.

8. Couples classes.
I don’t even go to my core classes for my major, much less classes for my own self improvement. What makes you think I want to work on us?

9. 1 ticket to a game.
Awesome. I guess I’ll high five myself whenever we score.

10. Shaving kit.
Complete waste of money. You know I already have a beard trimmer. Yeah, it doubles as a pube tailor. So? Get off your high horse.

11. A collage of us.
If you think that’s going anywhere besides the trash when you leave, we weren’t meant to be together anyway.

12. A cat sized dog.
We’ve never actually been on a real date, I only contact you after 11 p.m., and I already have a black lab. I think it’s best if I leave town.

13. A relaxing stay at Passages.
I can’t be an alcoholic. It’s college. It’s like the ultimate get out of jail free card. Alcoholics show up to their son’s t-ball game and puke on home plate arguing with the ump that his kid didn’t swing despite the stand being knocked over and the ball slowly rolling backwards.

14. A handjob.
I regret taking you to the gym. No woman should have calluses on her hands. Please tell me you have lube? Well there’s always your mouth. Right. Lockjaw. And you’re on your period. Damn. Can you spit on it, at least? You’re just shaving the bark off a dry twig right now.

15. A cooler if you have the artistic ability of a child with cerebral palsy finger painting.
I’m actually saving you from public humiliation. Just pay someone off etsy to do it.

16. Condoms in bulk.
I promise, I’m clean. When’s the last time I got tested? Uh…well if you never go you can never have anything. Right? That’s how it works.

17. Positive pregnancy test.
Cool. Looks like I’m out $500.

18. Herpes.
How have you not been tested?

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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