One night stands are a staple of college life. Speaking from experience, one night stands can be fantastic. Zero commitment involved. And I have serious decision-making issues — I still haven’t formally resigned from my high school job as a food runner at a pizza joint. I mean, I guess the only thing I can be certain about at this point in my life is Hillary Clinton’s prosperous plan for our country’s future.
Anyway, one night stands are great. I can get in and get out quickly, which allows me more time to post hot-n-ready, fresh-never-frozen content without all of the distractions.
Not everyone has had similar experiences. In fact, some people have terrible one night stands. Here are a few examples of some one night stands that went horrifically wrong:
I was studying abroad for a semester in Brazil and the university had one night a week where their students would take the exchange students out. Usually it would be a club or bar, and sometimes just drinking on the beach. This night we were at a club, and for some reason I indulged myself a lot more than usual. My first blackout. I woke up the next morning in a strange room, strange bed, with a cute Brazilian girl beside me. She wakes up and I quickly realize she didn’t speak any English (this was only a couple weeks in so my Portuguese was nil to none to be honest). My wallet was missing, my shirt was ripped, she wanted to go another round that morning (which I did so I could at least remember it this time), then I realized I was in an area of this city that isn’t exactly the safest. Had to break out her computer and use Google translate to tell her to call me a cab, and then have her loan me money to get back to my dorm. Oh, and replacing credit and debit cards overseas is a breeze, let me tell you.
Moral of the story – doesn’t matter, had sex.
Credit cards can be replaced. Missing out on sex with a Brazilian girl cannot.
woke up with no memory of each other, then she began screaming about being late to her grandma’s funeral. Dropped her off in a tiny dress not wearing shoes still drunk as fuck in front of her entire extended family.
Granny would be proud.
She told me to get up because she had to babysit her granddaughter. First I thought she was joking. she was not
Banging a GILF. TFM.
She told me I could sleep in as she left for work early, just to lock the door on my way out.
Her estranged husband decided to pop over, notices me in the bed, naked, gets pissed off, rants about how she’s a terrible person, and oh BTW did she mention she was married and has a kid.
I start get dressed, as I’m putting my shoes on husband picks up TV/VCR combo and is about to leave. I say, “don’t steal her TV, she’s going to think I did it.” he did not seem to care.
What if this was an elaborate insurance scam set up by the two?
Not me but my flatmate – he struck gold whilst suitably plastered. He woke up the next day, pleased with himself as he realised he was not alone. Still suitably enamored, he offered to cook her breakfast, tackling the short walk to the shop for bacon and eggs by himself.
Alas, all was not well and after 2 hours of knocking on doors he realised he had totally forgotten where she lived.
He returned home to me and our stinking flat where he prepared breakfast for us both with a heavy heart and the bluest of balls.
Never make them breakfast. Have them make you breakfast.
She was the oldest I had been with. I woke up to her holding a glass of water and some medicine for my hangover. I thought I was really weirded out when my clothes were folded at the end of the bed till I passed her kids who had 5 – 10 years on me.
What’s with you people and old women?
I could not for the life of me find my pants. I guess late at night I spilled a drink on myself and she put them in her dryer. I couldn’t sneak out
She trapped you real good.
I met a girl at a show that my band was playing at, went back to her place, had sex 3 or 4 times that night, then fell asleep at probably 7am. I wake up at about 9am, completely disoriented, and hear her boyfriend kissing her saying “Mmm, looked like you guys had fun last night!” He was apparently watching us the entire time. I didn’t even know she had a roommate.
I feel bad for the boyfriend.
I went back to this girls place hammered, I remember it kind of looking like a church. Turns out it was. This girl interned at my local campus church, where she lived in a kind of hidden second floor apartment. Basically, I had to ramble through a walk of shame the next morning (sunday morning) past bunch of people attending morning mass.
Holy fuck. Literally.
Had a fucking crazy one night stand right after HS with a teachers pet girl who I thought always hated me. Was still at my parents place so I snuck her in. In the morning my dad came right on into my room to grab my keys to move my car for whatever reason. I was totally naked, half covered, and the girl was tits up still asleep, uncovered. The look I shared with my dad in that moment was kind of like “good work boy” and “you are in so much trouble”. I had to blanket up and take my keys downstairs where he was waiting. He put a lock on the liquor cabinet after that.
Dad was proud AF.
Got insanely drunk at a hipster bar and met this cute little pixie chick. We went back to place, double-back-beasted it, and passed out on her bed.
Or what I thought was her bed.
When I awoke the next morning, it became abundantly clear that she had absolutely no furniture in her room. Every “surface” (this includes bed and makeshift desk), was comprised solely of dirty clothes. Literal mountains of them.
It didn’t smell TOO bad, considering, but still wasn’t pleasant. I sneaked out while she was burrowing deeper into the bed-pile.
If it looks like a hipster and talks like a hipster, then it’ll smell like one too.
Her dad woke me up, told me his daughter had left the house and asked me to hurry up and leave. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on but I followed his requests and left. I sent the girl a text and told her that I found it strange and kind of rude that she had just left me sleeping in her bed while she went out and met some friends on a Saturday morning. Then I went on and met my friends and we went swimming as I told them about this strange situation. When I got out of the pool I had a missed call from her and a text where she told me that I had peed all over her room during the night, standing in the bed peeing on the walls and the floor and she couldn’t contact me at all. She told me she had tried to wake me up countless of times during the morning and eventually left because she was all done with me. She was really hot and I am in to much shame to speak to her again…
At least the dad didn’t murder you.
My friend had a one night stand with a dude she met on tinder. When she woke up she saw that he pissed, shit, blood, and he spit phlegm almost everywhere. Her mirrors were covered in phlegm. Her bed sheets and mattress were soaked in piss and blood. Her couch was soaked in piss. Her carpets were smeared with shit. It cost her thousands of dollars to fix.
Pretty sure the dude had ebola and now your friend does too.
After my first night with my eventually ex husband he rolled over and asked “Jennifer did we have sex last night?”. My name is not Jennifer.should’ve run at that point.
The classic wrong name line.
First thing she said to me once we woke up, “Does this mean we’re together now?” That was fun to get out of.
This is my worst nightmare.
She left her wallet open, she was not 18. I ran
Wait, no, this is my worst nightmare.
She woke up and said she wanted to marry me and have kids.
I lied. This is the winner of them all. Kids? Shit I gotta go.
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