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We are both recently single, so we decided to jump on the Tinder bandwagon. We know we’re a little late to the party (always better than being the first person there) but we’ve discovered that there are definitely certain things we consider as non-negotiable left swipes. In the interest of helping you guys out, we polled some of our lady friends to come up with a list of things that are guaranteed to get you swiped left immediately. Read, learn, and adjust your profiles accordingly.
1. None of your pictures are actually pictures of you. Instead, they’re cartoons, drawings, or random scenic pictures.
You get how this thing works, right?
2. You’re wearing an Affliction T-shirt (or any form of bedazzled shirt).
Nothing screams “douche” more than that. Really.
3. You have transition lenses.
If you can’t handle changing from glasses to sunglasses and visa versa, you probably can’t handle me.
4. You have a facial tattoo.
The only person I know of who has a facial tattoo is Mike Tyson. While he was funny in “The Hangover,” that’s a brand of crazy I don’t need in my life. Thanks anyway.
5. You’re wearing a wife beater.
If you can’t afford an actual shirt, you probably can’t afford to buy me dinner.
6. You’re wearing sunglasses in all your photos.
I’m not sure if you actually have eyes or are some kind of cyborg. Call me crazy, but I like my dates to not be robots.
7. You have nothing at all written in your profile.
Really, you couldn’t come up with one witty sentence about yourself? I so look forward to engaging in a conversation with you!
8. Or the only thing your profile contains is your Instagram handle.
The only thing you have to say about yourself is, “hey, go look at more pictures of me,” huh?
9. Don’t use tacky, cliché lines.
Among these would be:
• “I’m new to this.”
• “Looking for my partner in crime.”
• “I work hard and play hard.”
• “I’m just looking to meet new people.”
• “I don’t really know how to write one of these things.”
• “My life is awesome, just looking for someone to share it with.”
If you have to, Google “cliché dating profile lines.” If any of them show up on your search, for fuck’s sake, don’t put them in your profile.
10. Also, no quotes and emojis.
Seriously? You’re a dude. Have some standards. No girl is looking for the quotes and emojis guy. (Unless it’s the pizza emoji–then it’s totally acceptable and even encouraged.)
11. You are holding any form of dead animal.
Listen, I fully respect your right to hunt, but I already fear you may be a serial killer. You don’t need to reinforce my belief by holding up a dead deer/fish/lion in your pictures. Pro tip: (Live) puppies are a right swipe. Every. Single. Time.
12. You have multiple pictures with the same girl.
If it’s one picture, I can believe she’s your sister. Two or three and I’m not buying it.
13. All of your pictures are shirtless.
Unless all of your pictures are at the beach, you’re trying too hard. I appreciate a six pack, but still.
14. Your name is not actually your name.
I’m pretty sure your actual name is not James Bond. Anonymity is the name of the game here, and I get it–no one wants to be pre-date Internet stalked, but come on. (By the way, you can find me at Princess Consuela Bananahammock.)
15. All of your pictures are of the regions between your knees and your neck.
Why this is a don’t:
• I’m not really looking to go out with a guy who doesn’t have a head. I do have some standards.
• What are you hiding? Balding? A third ear? Missing teeth? No eyebrows? I’m curious, but not enough to swipe right.
• Let’s save the picture of your package for after we match. We need to keep the romance alive somehow.
16. You’re holding a beer in every single one of your pictures.
Hey, I love a good time as much as the next person, but if you don’t have one picture of yourself without booze in it, I’m going to recommend your next relationship be with a 12-step program.