I’m sure there are some really awesome girls out there who would be perfect to date. I just haven’t found any of them yet. Rather, I’ve been stuck with your everyday, run of the mill, psycho white girl.
The following is a compilation of real quotes from girls that I have dated over the last four years. I could not make this shit up. They actually, straight face and all, said this stuff.
“Hey babe, I know it’s been a long summer and all but I haven’t seen my friends in months, either. Cool if they come over to hang?”
To put this into context, this was after months of zero bang bang for your boy and the first thing this girl wanted to do was see her friends. Ruthless move. Absolutely savage denial of my very clear needs. Like you really don’t have two to three minutes? Fucked up.
“Yeah, the smell of latex makes me sick, and my pill gives me headaches, so you’re just gonna have to be careful.”
Very reassuring. To be honest, knowing that it was always a gamble kinda made the sex better. Bad boy living life on the edge or something.
“I’m not that type of girl.”
This would usually follow a feeble attempt by yours truly to send it with something that was probably not okay. Needless to say, she always ends up being “that type of girl.”
“I was just trying to find myself. I’ve changed since then.”
Apparently, this was the best defense this girl had for getting run through by half the football team previous to it being my turn. Should’ve been reason enough not to wife her, but titties, ya know?
“Who the fuck is Emily?”
Oh come on. You know exactly who she is.
“Did you cum inside of me?”
Of course not. I’ll do anything to avoid an awkward Plan B trip.
“Just a forewarning: My dad is probably going to really fucking hate you.”
So supportive. Can’t believe things didn’t last with this one.
“Get the fuck out of my house!”
This has happened an embarrassing amount of times. Drunk coeds screaming at me to GTFO. I happily obliged. Nobody needs that kind of negativity.
“Babe, come back. I’m sorry.”
Usually, this text would come through as soon as I got home following the above altercation. Of course, like a chump, I would walk my ass all the way back to her, because titties.
“Who the fuck is Brittany?”
This is getting repetitive.
“I didn’t mean all that. I was just PMS-ing for a second.”
She 100% meant all that.
“You know just being a good person won’t get you into heaven. You need to accept Jesus Christ into your heart.”
Jesus Christ, you need to chill. It is Friday night and I am ten Nattys deep. At least wait until Sunday if you’re going to indoctrinate me. My brain can’t handle this.
“What happens when we graduate? Where are we going to live? You love the city but I’m more of a country girl so we’re going to have to reach a compromise.”
Girl, it is sophomore year. You’re talking about graduation? We may not make it through next week. Actually, after that comment, we may be done today. Damn.
“Emily and Brittany both liked your picture. Interesting…”
Oh you got me by the balls now. Caught red-handed.
“I have something to tell you — that was actually my first time. You were my first, babe.”
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