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12-Year-Old Gets First Kiss From Carrie Underwood, On Stage

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As a 12-year-old living in the freest country in the world, Chase had not yet received his first kiss, a significant rite of passage in American culture. He roamed the playground, ogling the newly budded breasts of girls in his grade, but couldn’t manage to grab some face-sucking time with any of the menstruation-stricken prudes. Then, one day, young Chase had an epiphany.

“Fuck these freakishly tall pubescent bitches,” he thought. “I’m shooting for the stars.”

He wasn’t going to settle for some pimply-faced middle school cheerleader with a B-cup. No, Chase had bigger plans. So he hit the Carrie Underwood concert in Louisville wielding a sign that read “Will you be my first kiss?” The rest is history.

Not only did this little Andy Milonakis lookalike have the gargantuan balls to go on stage, he showed the world how thick his root is when Carrie asked, “How we gonna do this?” Without hesitation, the future fratter fired back, “Lip to lip.” AND when she told him to close his eyes, he shamelessly refused.

Word on the street is Chase already has plans to attend a Miranda Lambert concert holding a sign that says “Will you be my first OTPHJ?”

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