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The holidays are a time for giving. As golfers, this usually leads to a wide array of golf-related gifts under our trees from those closest to us in our lives. From coworkers to significant others, you are sure to stock up on golf accessories over the course of these next few weeks.
With all the good that can potentially come from this, there are plenty of bad, bad golf gifts that you’d rather not get at all than have to suffer through feigning happiness over. Some can be credited to novice buyers and well-meaning people who simply confuse golf with putt putt, and others, well… I don’t know what their excuse is. Here are 12 awful golf presents I pray you don’t open this December (alternatively, if you want to intentionally get your friends some awful, horrendous golf-related gifts, consider this your bible).
Hybrids have become a vital part of a golfer’s arsenal. They are extremely versatile and are perfect for those in-between distance shots. Because hybrids fill in those gap shots, however, golfers are very particular when it comes to their desired lofts.
“Thanks, sweetheart, but what am I supposed to do with a 33 degree hybrid? Hit a burner from 165 out? I can see how it was confusing to follow from my list, as 21 degrees totally looks like 33 when written down. I might as well hit my 7. It’s the thought that counts… unless I’m 215 yards out. I’d be better off with my dick in my hand than this thing.”
A New Driver
“Nice! This is exactly what I needed! Man, you even got the right grip and everything. Spring can’t get here soon enough.”
Three months later
“Wait… Is this a flex shaft?!? I hope you saved the receipt. Get that weak shit out of here.”
Cheap Golf Balls
Nothing says “the only thing I know less about than you is what a good golf ball is” than gifting a golfer a mesh bag filled with 36 refurbished Top Flites.
“Where were these when Roy McAvoy was wasting those Titleists?”
I would’ve gotten more use out of a blockbuster gift card. Maybe next year’s irons will be better? Oh wait…
Golf Club Urinal
Hitting the sweet spot off the tee, a flush shot from the fairway, rolling in a 20-foot putt, and nature peeing. Those are the four greatest feelings on a golf course. Men get enough shit at home about lifting up the toilet seat. The golf course is our freedom sanctuary. This is our time to live, dammit! Fuck outta here with your actually very smart invention.
I’m not sure if you are making the assumption that I’m a shitty golfer or that I’m too broke to afford more golf balls if you get me a golf ball retriever. I resent either notion, though, and would like the portable speaker I bought you back.
Are you aware of the golf club advancements that have been made since 1996? Who the hell uses a chipper anymore?
Fake Hair Visors
“LOL the boys are going to get a kick out of this fake hair visor haha it’s not my real hair!!!” before the guy who gets it shoves it into the spare set bag to never be seen or heard from again.
Custom Head Covers
I like a good custom head cover on my driver. It shows your character and enhances the sense of fun the game is supposed to bring us. But when someone else buys a head cover for me, the odds are it won’t properly represent MY character and what I consider to be fun.
“Is that an Ian Poulter head cover?”
“Sure is! You’re always talking about him, so I figured this would be perfect.”
“This is my nightmare.”
Ball Sack Accessory Holder
What better way to make a first impression on the links than by having a ball sack hanging off your bag?
Personalized Golf Balls
Call me old fashioned, but I enjoy marking my ball by hand. That’s the only way to truly personalize your ball.
Why would I want my name, address, phone number, email, and next in kin stamped on my golf ball?
If I slice my drive three fairways over, I need plausible deniability that it’s not my ball. It’s kind of hard to do that when my face and social security number are plastered all over it.
What are you trying to say? My game needs work?
I am the fucking game..