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11 Tips On Proper Uber Etiquette

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Uber is becoming more and more common as a modern tool for transportation. A futuristic iPhone app that summons a random driver so you can jump in and be taken wherever you need to go? Incredible. It works if you don’t have a car or if you’re drunk or just too goddamn lazy and unintelligent to drive yourself, you dumbass.

Are you new to using Uber? Well make sure you know you how to handle yourself and go about things. There are some important, universal, unwritten rules that you must follow. Here are some tips about proper Uber etiquette.

1. Don’t Talk To The Driver Unless They Talk To You First

Damn near everyone hates annoying, mundane small talk. No one enjoys it. It’s just seen as an irritating social necessity. Don’t talk to them. Let them just do their job. If they talk to you? Well damn, you’ve just been shoved into a boring conversation that you can’t escape. Sorry, bud.

2. Don’t Hog The Aux Cord

They’re at work. Let them play their own music. Don’t plug it into your phone to put on your 2009 era Miley Cyrus playlist. Yes, we all know it’s fire, “Party In The USA” is objectively the greatest song of all time, but still, don’t be rude.

3. If The Driver Is A Girl, Don’t Hit On Her

Seriously, she’s not interested. You have terrible breath, your beer gut is poking out of your stained shirt, your hair is greasy as hell, and you smell like a duffle bag filled with the dismembered ballsacks of retired sumo wrestlers. She doesn’t want to fuck you. She’s counting down the nanoseconds until your hideous ass is out of her car and out of her life.

4. Don’t Throw Up In Their Car

As I mentioned earlier, sometimes you just use an Uber because you drank too much and you’re just too god damn hammered to drive yourself. And that’s the perfect choice. It’s wise and responsible. But don’t get sick in their car. It’s rude, disgusting, and you could get fined.

5. Don’t Ask If You Can Stop By White Castle

They’re tired and not in the mood to swing by a pit stop and order little mini midget burgers that taste phenomenal but will inevitably give you vicious greenish diarrhea in six to twelve hours.

6. Don’t Jerk Off

Maybe you’re horny and you haven’t whacked your weasel in a LONG time (like 42 minutes), but don’t be impatient. Just wait ’til you get home. No driver wants to clean a spilled McFlurry off of their backseat, you sick fuck.

7. Don’t Tell Them To Check Out Your Mixtape

Your mixtape is fucking awful, David. Stop shoving it in everyone’s face. You’re a terrible terrible rapper and you need to stop.

8. Don’t Try To Suck Their Dick

This tip is mostly just a reminder for Wally Bryton.

9. Don’t Be Fred Durst

Seriously, if you’re Fred Durst, just stop it.

10. Don’t Kill Them And Sacrifice Them To Zeus

I know you think this is always a great social ice-breaker, but it’s not. It’s awkward and borderline inappropriate. You need to learn social cues better.

11. Don’t Sit In The Front Seat

What, are you out of your fucking mind?!?!?!

Image via Twitter@Stitcher

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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