Hello folks, and welcome back to Social Justice Today. I’m your host, Karl Karlson. Today we’re going to be discussing the top ten most offensive mascots in that incredibly oppressive and emasculating area of United States culture: sports. My producer, Craig, has informed me that all of these mascots are truly violent against particular cultures, identities, and subcultures across the world. This is your *artisanal wood crossbow sound because guns are evil* Trigger Warning, so you can all know to retreat to your respective Safe Spaces if you need to avoid offense. Let’s get started.
10. University of Southern California Trojans
Sources tell us that the Trojans out of SoCal are based on a group of ancient people indigenous to what is now Turkey. This group was conquered, pillaged, and eventually destroyed by those most evil people, Greeks. As we know, Greeks spend all of their time partying, gambling, and reducing the academic atmosphere of their respective institutions. Wait, no, that doesn’t sound right. I think it was Ancient Greeks, like the Spartans and Athenians and such. Um, yeah. It also looks like the war resulting in their destruction was started over a woman, who may or may not have been seduced at the will of a goddess. That sounds a little farfetched. Craig, did we actually research this?
9. Kansas City Royals
Moving on. The Royals, who I’m told play a sport called baseball, are represented by an aristocrat. As we all know, “royal” was a term used to describe renaissance era nobles who used their money and authority to oppress the lower classes. Much like modern day one-percenters, royals had no regard for the well-being of the many. I’ve just received word that the Royals are actually represented by a lion as a mascot. Why? That’s dumb. Oh, I think it’s a play on “Kings of the Jungle,” and the mascot’s name is Sluggerrr. Well that’s just adorable, who could be mad at a lion? I’m also being informed that the name is derived from a livestock show called “The American Royal” so maybe PETA’s mad? Who cares, those guys suck. Next.
8. Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Oh this is going to be good. Craig tells me that “Demon Deacons” is apparently a nod to oppressive baptists who would summon demonic souls to devour those they found to be “impure” or “non-believers.” Smells like bullshit to me. I mean, yeah it’s a traditionally Baptist College, but one little flip to Wikipedia (seriously Craig, what the fuck?) tells me the “Demon” part comes from what an old announcer described as “Devilish Play” which probably means they were just relentless. This isn’t where I thought I’d be at 28.
7. Seattle Seahawks
When I was in school, I wanted to be an actor. I had hopes, aspirations, and dreams. I didn’t want to be here talking about some social justice bullshit to a bunch of hippies just looking for a reason to protest. I wanted to have drinks with DiCaprio, maybe get a handy from Jennifer Aniston, and see my career flounder so I’d have to release a sex tape. Is that what I’m going to have to do? Release a sex tape? I mean, Jeanine from accounting isn’t the belle of the ball, but she did say “thank you” that time I helped her pick up a heavy box. Oh shit, are we rolling? Uh…Seahawks are regionalist against hawks far from the sea.
6. Boston Celtics
The Celts are a group of ancient cultures from Northern and Western Europe. They all practiced similar religions and spoke the same language. Boston, a cesspool of pissed off people, took the name for a basketball team and changed the hard c to a soft one. That means they butchered a sound. A fucking sound. Since a number of Celtic descendants immigrated to America of their own free will I guess this doesn’t really hold water, does it Craig? I’m going to get your ass fired buddy. Just wait.
5. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Just bear with me folks, we’re halfway through. So the Fighting Irish is a stereotype associated with Irish Catholics, meaning that they would get drunk and beat the hell out of everyone. The actual mascot, a leprechaun who I’m going to call “Lucky” because Lucky Charms are the tits, is another mythical Irish creature who was said to hoard wealth and live at the end of rainbows. Therefore, this team is using pagan ideas to represent a common racist idea about a group of people. Oh no, I pissed off the pagans. There goes half our viewership. I’m terrible at this.
4. Winnipeg Jets
Yeah, there are the pagan protestors. That was quick. They must have used voodoo or some shit to get here. Are they…are they trying to cast a spell on me? Man, I’m glad that stuff’s fake. Do you guys think I could scare them off by yelling “Expecto Patronum” out the window? I’m gonna try it.
*10 seconds pass*
I can’t believe that actually worked. Our viewership is a bunch of morons. The Jets? That’s just stupid. Moving on.
3. Chicago Bears
Bears, I’m told, are a subset of the homosexual community who are typically large and hairy. By using their likeness for a football team, composed of large hairy men, the people of Chicago are willingly promoting negative stereotypes about…I can’t do this. Bears are animals. For the love of God people, change the channel. Please! The mascot is an actual Grizzly Bear. His name is Staley, like the Decatur Staleys. Please tell me you folks get that. Please tell me the lines are going off in acknowledgement of the fact that Bears are animals…
“Hi, I’m Sapphire from Portland.”
Of course you are, go ahead.
“Yeah, I think that um, Bear is a derogative term and they should change their mascot to like, the Chicago Gluten Free Pancakes.”
Your father didn’t love you, Sapphire. Neither do I.
2. St. Louis Blues
ARE YOU KIDDING ME CRAIG? IT’S A MUSIC THING! THEIR MASCOT LOOKS LIKE AN EIGHTH NOTE! BLUE IS A COLOR AND A STYLE OF MUSIC! I’LL GIVE YOU THE BLUES YOU HUMPTY DUMPTY LOOKING SON OF A BITCH! COME BACK HERE! I’M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS LIKE YOU OWE ME MONEY! YOU OWE ME MORE THAN THAT! YOU OWE ME MY HOPES AND DREAMS ASSHOLE! YOU OWE ME FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE!
1. Washington Redskins
Yeah…this one’s a little fucked up..
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