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Though the fall semester may seem forever away, it’s never too early to start preparing for rush. Some of you may be in the awful position to coordinate chapter retreats before the fall semester and most likely have no clue what you’re doing. If that is the case, here is a handy cheat sheet you can print out and distribute to your brothers. You’re welcome.
It is imperative to identify these kids ASAP to ensure you bid the strongest pledge class since your own.
The Bid List
1. The kid with a pickup truck.
There are a handful of reasons to bid this kid: tailgates, hauling wood letters, keg transport, etc. Frankly, there’s nothing more dependable than a man and his truck. Also, chances are high that he already has a Yeti cooler, and knows how to hunt, fish, dip, and sing Wagon Wheel. Plus, once he’s initiated, a pickup is perfect for dragging out the new pledges to the
woods for pledge ed. park for a charity fundraiser.
2. The kid who hired an escort to bring to pre-rush info sessions.
Okay, hiring an escort to bring to orientation type things is weird as hell. But you know this kid is impressionable, dumb, and wealthy. His commitment is undeniable and he will most likely follow and support the chapter no matter what harebrained scheme you delve into.
3. The kid who is way too good at Pokémon Go.
The “Pokémon Go is NF” debate is endless, but you know what? Establishing dominance over your community is, and always will be, frat. Remind the engineers on campus why your chapter is the GOAT.
4. The kid who is obviously drunk at orientation.
We know three things about him:
One, he has already started training his liver.
Two, he has a questionable moral compass.
Three, he gives zero fucks.
He will be the Keystone (hah) to your pledges winning the Case Race against the guys down the Row.
5. The kid who asks, “I’m not going to get hazed, am I?”
Of course not. And we’ll help you pass all your classes, too. But really, you owe it to society to turn this kid into a man his father would be proud of. Plus, once this kid comes around, he’ll turn into a regular diplomat to help you guys duke it out with the administrators on campus and leadership consultants from HQ.
The No-Bid List
1. The kid whose athletic career was ended by a “debilitating knee injury.”
Avoid at all costs. This kid is already coming up with bullshit excuses to qualify his insignificant high school career. You can rest assured that this “scrub” will only come up with more excuses to avoid finishing his gallon of milk come pledge ed.
2. The kid who thinks he is a DJ.
Let’s be real, Karl Karlson already provides you with all the Porch James you need. And Spotify can cover you everywhere else. There is a 125 percent chance this fruit cup vapes and drinks Smirnoff Ice. He will also brag about nailing “that smoking hot chick, Michelle” in Psych101. But we all know “Michelle” is a heifer.
3. The kid who is always on Snapchat.
There is nothing less hypermasculine than a guy taking as many selfies as his sister. If I wanted to watch a Snap Story that was longer than 10 seconds, which I don’t, I would get a girlfriend. And what happens in the house should stay in the house; with this kid, that’s not always a guarantee.
4. The kid who says he doesn’t drink.
5. The kid who is good at creative writing.
He’ll end up working for TFM and ridicule you on the Internet in front of hundreds of readers across the nation. Don’t enable him.
In the words of our Honorable 7th Year Incumbent Rush Chair, “Rush is year round.”.