There are only three things a man truly needs in this world: big girls when it’s cold out, beer when it’s hot, and jams that run off the plug 2+ times year round. Thanks to the La Nina winter keeping things interesting, we can’t tell if the weather will be in the 70s or the 30s. Regardless, it’s time to shed your hefty harem, pick up a can of your favorite piss, and post up on the porch with a little “I get faced at noon” music. In that regard, welcome back the ideal songs for getting stupid on your stoop.
The top comment will be featured as the next edition’s fan favorite.
Whichever tune I dig the most from your suggestions will get an honorable mention, as well.
Let’s crank some tunes.
1. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, Iron Butterfly
Thaw out your brain with a classic, trippy one-hit wonder. Despite the group’s limited success, this song laid a foundation for the future of rock and roll with guitar driven tones and predictable melody. Listen enough and you’ll hear everything from “Stranglehold” to “25 to 6.” There’s a 17-minute version out there, too, but that’s more for hard drugs than booze. Also, the title reminds me of that Futurama episode where Zap tricks Leela into thinking they’re in the Garden of Eden. Underrated episode.
2. Real American, Rick Derringer
Every presidential candidate who doesn’t walk on stage to this song at least five times during their campaign is a moron. There’s the political two-cents. Similarly, if you don’t feel a desire to drink good, American booze while smoking a pack of Winstons and firing paintballs at passing hacky-sackers, then you’re a Commie.
3. On a Night Like This, Buckwheat Zydeco
Ha! Just another great song about doing sex. The change in weather will get their stomachs all tingly and their butts ready for action, like mine after I have taquitos for breakfast. Throw in some scorching hot accordion and you’re looking at a seriously sensual afternoon of excessive drinking and finger banging.
4. Jazz (We’ve Got), A Tribe Called Quest
I’m informed that this particular tribe has been around for a very long time. I see their longevity and raise you the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians. They’ve been around for longer. Their music isn’t as good, though. Kind of sad now. Regardless, this noble tribe’s jazzy take is reminiscent of Cypress Hill’s works of wonder. Certainly top notch for your porch libations.
5. When I’ve Been Drinking, Jon Pardi
Despite the arguably abysmal state of Nashville’s record scene right now, I don’t hate this guy. He’s got some sappy pieces, sure, but I have yet to hear one that includes him attempting to rap or uses more synth-sound than actual instrumentals. If your phone has ever sent a text to an ex against your best wishes, this song will probably resonate with you.
6. Mama, The Glorious Sons
Not sure off the top of my head which one of you nuts continuously name dropped the Sons on me, but I appreciate it. These guys are pretty fantastic. Check out their album “The Union.” If you like country/folk with a hint of jam you’re in for a treat. This is one of their more popular songs off the aforementioned album.
7. I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman, K-OS
K-OS is a severely underrated player in the rap game, probably because nobody can decide whether he’s straight hip-hop or RnB. The fact that his tunes go beyond samples and use actual instrumentals (oh fuck!) is a huge plus. Songs like this, where he transitions between an almost Gorillaz-esque feel to tight rhymes are his finest. Plus, who doesn’t wish they knew Natalie Portman? She was fantastic in Jackie and I still touch myself to Black Swan.
8. I Am The Bullgod, Kid Rock
There comes a time in every man, woman, or child’s porch booze excursions when they set all civil ideas of “chilling the most” aside and need to proclaim their supremacy to the world. You could be an imbecile and attempt to do a backflip off the roof (please don’t) or you could just inform everyone in the surrounding area that you are, in fact, the mother fucking Bullgod. Make the right choice. Kid is basically the Beastie Boys with an electric guitar, so his songs actually do a great deal for the chill factor for your less inebriated guests, as well.
9. Slippery When Wet, Commodores
Funk is the mellow music that’s been giving America wood since the ’60s. The Commodores took that idea and turned it up to 11. Brick House? More like dat ass. Slippery When Wet? Hell yeah it is! When these legends performed at the AutoZone Liberty Bowl, it’s a surprise that the massive flooding didn’t make the game unwatchable.
10. Lifestyles of the Not So Rich and Famous, Tracy Byrd
Songs that predict the future are terrifying as shit. Tracy Byrd basically foresaw the trash that makes its way on TV nowadays, from those frauds selling duck calls to that fraud with the fat mom who Cartman killed. It’s pitiful. Luckily, he does it in a way that’s both pleasing to the ear and pretty damn tongue in cheek. Don’t sleep on the Byrd-man.
Again, be sure to leave your favorites in the comments for a chance to be featured on the next edition. My condolences to areas that are currently still cold, but you can always sack up and make Mother Nature take your load. As always, don’t drink and drive..
Check out the entire collection on Spotify here: