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Don’t Sleep On $1 Margaritas At Applebee’s

applebee's one dollar margaritas

I’m always on the hunt for the cheapest of cheap booze. My quest for wallet-friendly alcohol has lead me to drink everything from Costco brand B-listers to moonshine from a backyard still to toilet wine that ended up not being wine at all. Let me tell you, the Costco brand beer was a mistake. Every sip I took killed my soul a little bit. Costco brand beer is so terrible it almost makes the $20 for 48 cans price not even worth it. Almost.

Don’t judge me, but I’ve always loved Applebee’s. Where else can you drunkenly stumble in like a degenerate in the middle of the night on a Tuesday and get wings, mozzarella sticks, and a beer for under $20? It’s the ultimate pig-out spot. In the immortal words of Louis C.K., “The meal doesn’t end when I’m full, the meal ends when I hate myself” — and that’s exactly what God created Applebee’s for. Now, the worldwide leader in half apps came out with the ultimate cheap alcohol game changer: dollar margaritas the entire month of October.

Normally, I don’t like margaritas. I’m a huge fan of Mexican beers, but margaritas? Not so much. But hey, when they come out with margaritas that are literally cheaper than water, I’ve got to give it a try.

So the other night, I finally made my pilgrimage to the promise land (the Applebee’s 15 minutes from my house). There was a high school football game that night, so the place was screaming with teenagers who had nothing better to do than storm this chain restaurant in droves. After a long wait, we get a table and an accompanying waiter who straight up looks like a hipster version of the monopoly man. He asks me what I want, and, in true Marshawn Lynch form, I look at him dead-on and say, “You know why I’m here.” Without question, he comes back with a round of the mystical dollar margaritas. The drink I had heard so much about, that I thought was only a myth… a legend… a rumor… was finally in front of me.

I didn’t know what to expect. After all, anything that cheap must have had the tequila come straight out of a plastic bottle. It’s also the first, and probably only time in my life I’ve seen a margarita served in a beer mug. To further confuse matters, there was no salt on the rim of the glass. Bad looks on presentation, Applebee’s; bad looks.

So I finish the margarita — nothing special. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. Best way I could describe it is imagine if Taco Bell served margaritas through their drive. That’s what they’d taste like. So then I order another, and then another, then another, and so on. I wanted to see what would last longer, my drinking or the Yankees-Cleveland game on Friday that went into extras (plot twist, it was the drinking). After about five margaritas, I lost count and almost admitted defeat. I recovered, and at the end hipster monopoly man brings me my bill. Eight margaritas later, and the damage to my bank account? A whopping $8.

That’s when it finally hit me and I realized I didn’t fail on my quest for cheap alcohol; I had 100% succeeded. Sure, the taste was subpar, but as long as the price is right who cares about taste? It’s quantity — not quality — in the quest for budget booze. I got fucked up south of the border style for less than a $10 bill. This October, you can get fashionably inebriated at a chain restaurant for one hour of minimum-wage work. I’d call that a great play.

Image via Shutterstock

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ItalianStallion

Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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